tough as nails

March 11, 2019 | Comments Off

I actually left the house yesterday, and it was to go somewhere other than to see my pain management doctor! I know, I know. Alert the media. We were going to go out Saturday, but that didn’t end up working out for me after all. I never want to go anywhere when I first wake up. Between my pain and anxiety, doing anything just doesn’t seem like anything I want to do. But now I’m giving myself some time to wake up and unwind, take a pain pill, lay on the heating pad, and use some medical marijuana first – and then I feel more positive about the whole going out thing. But Saturday my pain pills weren’t sufficient, so things never improved. Sunday, though, I woke up, felt a bit better, and decided to do some of the things we talked about doing the day before.

First, we went to this nail salon that I found online that was open on a Sunday. OMG. That was the tiniest space for one that I have ever seen. It was like the size of a hallway – loooooong and narrow. They were packed, so we almost came back home because I was super annoyed. But he said we should go get our phones, and I decided to just keep going. Then, we passed another salon that was open, and it was gorgeous inside.

Look at their pedicure basins!

pretty pedicure basins

I snapped this photo of my new nails while we were at the phone store.

new nails

I’ve been feeling pretty good about the state of my fingers lately. I haven’t been able to get a manicure in well over a year, due to my Excoriation Disorder, also known as skin picking disorder and dermatillomania. I have been tearing apart my fingers since my teens. I’ve written about it twice here before. It’s not something I regularly advertise because it’s rather embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about. But I’ve been bookmarking pictures of nails for the future, like holiday-specific nails. I’ve wanted to do Xmas (best holiday ever!) nails for the past two years and have never been successful enough to do it. I’m hoping with my new tools that I actually can make it this time, or at least go longer than three months, which is the longest I’ve ever gone without a relapse. Wish me luck.

Then, we finally got the newest iPhones. I am late to the game, I know. I mean, it’s nice to have the latest and greatest, but it’s super annoying to have to relearn how to use a phone. Also, my passwords didn’t transfer over like they did the last time we upgraded, so that’s a pain in the ass, too.

Grabbing an early dinner was the last thing we did. I wasn’t dressed nicely and I didn’t have on makeup, so I felt like a bum. But, really, this whole outing was worth it because it made Mark happy. He initially was annoyed that I was changing his plans for the day, but he shrugged that off pretty quickly. I really should do this type of thing more often for him because he just wants us doing things out in the world together. Even though I prefer to not be in the world, I’m hoping I can be better about this, especially now that I’m paying more attention to why things affect me the way that they do. As I said above, I need to really ease into my days. Goddamn, I sound entitled. I know I’m lucky I have the time to think things through like this.

Anyway, now I still have to get a haircut. I’ve been trying to get this done for months now. Yes, i have been that ridiculous. I only want to get one when we can go out after because I’m not wasting that blowout on my pillows. So, yes, I do it for a man, even though he doesn’t give a single shit what I look like (within reason). What the fuck do I care about my own hair at this point? All he sees, though, is hair in a bun, no makeup, and nightgowns. Sure, I would prefer to remain like that. Hell, it’s easier on my chronic pain to do less, so taking that extra time to wear nice clothes and put makeup on is totally not for me at all. It’s just because I want to look nice for him.

best devacurl products

March 10, 2019 | Comments Off

Ever since I decided to embrace my curls, I had to stop blowing them dry and flat ironing them to death. To that end, I’ve used a few products from the devacurl line over the years, and they are just the best products for curly hair ever. And I’ve settled on two that I now simply cannot live without!

1. NO-COMB DETANGLING SPRAY – This is life changing. See, I am in desperate need of a haircut. I have been pulling my hair up as usual, and I get tons of knots at this longer length now when it’s up. This stuff is just fantastic. I spray it in, and all those pesky knots loosen right up.

2. WAVE MAKER – I’ve settled on this product, out of all of them, for my curls. Even though my deva stylist has said this is the wrong one to use for my curls, I loooove what it does for them. They have different products for different curl types, but I feel mine respond best to this one.

This is not an ad, nor is it a product review. These links, for right now, aren’t even affiliate links. I’m just sharing them because I’m a good fucking Samaritan. You’re welcome.

i choose me

March 8, 2019 | Comments Off

Finding time to spend together in the evenings is proving to be difficult for us. On Sunday nights, Mark wants to be by himself to unwind and prepare for the work week ahead. Sunday and Monday are my slow tv nights, so that sort of sucks. He approaches me Tuesday thru Friday evenings, but they are my busy tv nights. We used to have a lot of shows in common that we watched together, but I guess our tastes have shifted over the years. We still have a few shows that overlap; he takes forever to watch stuff, though, so I tend to get to things before he does. We do regularly spend Saturday nights together, so that’s usually a movie night.

I’m on the fourth day of dealing with crazy foot pain. The first two days were horrible. If I stood in one place, my feet didn’t hurt. When I walked, though, it was almost totally unbearable. Day three saw my feet hurting less the more I walked on them, so I considered that progress. And today I am only experiencing a tiny amount of pain on one foot. I hope it doesn’t come back because we have so many upcoming doctor-type things for us and the cats that there’s no room for more madness like this.

Speaking of doctor stuff, I had an appointment with a new primary care doctor, but I had to reschedule due to Mark. He has a much better memory than I do (hello drugs!), and he can answer dates of this or that better than I can. Thus, he’s good to have around at these things. I haven’t been to a regular doctor in a few years, and I decided to just go to the same local one that Mark has been going to. Anyway, I went online to see that while I could not cancel the first appointment, I could make a new one. So I did that and then left a voicemail with their office so I could cancel the old one and verify the new one. A receptionist called me back and simply wouldn’t accept the fact that I had a prior appointment. She wasn’t seeing that in her system. She saw the new one, but said a bunch of things that intimated that she didn’t believe I even had one to cancel. For instance, she said she would put the medical history forms in the mail to me. I said I already had them. She skated right over that when she asked me, “So you printed them out?” My head was exploding because she was basically insisting that I got them off of their website. I gave up trying to tell her – yet again – that the forms had been sent to me. I mean, wtf. And then the pièce de résistance occurred. While she insisted I had no other appointment to cancel, I still got an automated confirmation call for said appointment the very next day. Ugh.

The bulk of my time lately has been spent updating the “pet list” that goes to the person getting our cats if something were to happen to us. And reading and rereading it. And reading and rereading it. And reading and rereading it. It contains favorite toys, past medical history, medications, likes, nicknames, food preferences, and so on – and it has to be perfect, obviously. I am waiting until our next vet visit to finalize it, even though it doesn’t stay finalized for long, that’s for sure. Things are constantly changing with them. But it’s okay for now, and a copy will be sent to the lawyer and pet sitter, as well as printed out and put in a binder. It’s in a safe place here that all required parties know the location of. Lulu and Oliver have a cardiologist appointment coming up in a few weeks, and I really hope I don’t need to update the list again. This is more for their sake than mine, of course. I want their health to stay the same (or improve!). So yeah.

As for Oliver, his bottom lip is swollen again. He is taking immune support tablets which I thought were helping. There were no flare-ups after we started that medication – until now. Sigh. There’s one more medication to try before we talk to a naturopath, and it’s called thuja. The vet has to show us how to administer it from the bottle. See, she said we weren’t to touch the tablets, and Mark and I just cannot see how to get one out without us actually physically handling it. There’s supposedly something in the cap that prevents that problem from occurring, and we are just too dumb to figure it out. Anyway, I hope this fixes this issue for him. Fingers crossed. As for the pets, I think it’s adorable when Mark says to the babies, “Look at you!” whenever they do something cute or just look exceptionally cute. He said it again the other day, and I thought it was just the sweetest!

So I saw a recent movie was out with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder, and I guess I got a little nostalgic for my youth because I thought it’d be fun to watch these guys who were in a bunch of shit I saw years and years ago. By the way, the movie was horrible and filled with nonstop navel-gazing. I don’t know. I guess I wanted to take a quick trip back in time maybe. I can’t really explain it well, and Mark didn’t understand the whole thing. And, sort of speaking of, I’m so bummed out about Luke Perry’s death. I remember going to an ex-friend’s house every week to watch Beverly Hills 90210. I messaged her about it, and she said we had pizza weekly too when we would get together for the show. Ha. Mark and I pulled up an old episode of svu from when he was on to watch in his honor.

marital conversations, part 640839217

March 5, 2019 | Comments Off

We were just watching a Luke Perry episode of SVU. One of the scenes involved people participating in medical trials for money. I jokingly suggested that to Mark, but then he pointed out that I was better suited for this type of thing.

Mark: You’re good at taking drugs.
Me: I am, aren’t I?

See? He does flatter me from time to time. And who doesn’t love a compliment?

four minutes

March 3, 2019 | Comments Off

Yesterday Mark came home with a toy from Petsmart. It lasted four minutes until it was destroyed by Oliver. In the end, we had to pry a piece of the toy from his mouth, and I was pretty alarmed by that. Mark said he wasn’t worried that Oliver was going to swallow it or choke on it (of course), but I sure was freaked out that he would. The video cuts off right when we get to discussing his swollen bottom lip (I’m guessing the immune support tablets didn’t make it clear up the first time after all) and what it looks like. I fully expected him to say that it reminded him of Mick Jagger, but he said it looks like he has dsl. If, for some reason, you don’t know what that means, look up dsl on urbandictionary.com. Anyway, I was so horrified, yet we both ended up laughing. So unfortunately (or fortunately?), I stopped recording right before this conversation took place. I picked it back up at the exact moment things went haywire with the toy. Please ignore my toenails. I am well aware I need to get a pedicure.

when things were fun and calm:

when things got crazy:

And, yes, Oliver is just fine. Whew. But poor Lulu didn’t even get a chance to see the toy!

Moral of the story? Always supervise when your pets play.

hitting more turbulence

February 24, 2019 | Comments Off

Mark went to see his primary care doctor for a checkup. Now this doctor is worried about that lung scan diagnosis he got when he had cancer surgery. His scans showed that he has centrilobular emphysema. Mark emailed his pulmonary doctor, but he wasn’t very concerned; he thinks mark was just one of those born with some junk (bullae) in his lungs. He wasn’t even going to get a second opinion, so I am glad this doctor chimed in. He’s scheduling two more tests. Now I have this to be scared about, right after things had just started to settle down.

In other news, I ordered white bedding for my purple bedroom for the spring and summer. I am done (for now) with the trying-to-purple-match madness. Mark thinks white is ridiculous due to the fact that we have cats and that I eat food in bed. I mean, he’s probably not wrong. I just hope it lasts for a little bit at least. I also ordered grey blankets for the living room. Mark alternates between sleeping in the guest room and on the couch, and all these non-matching blankets were driving me absolutely crazy. They just don’t go with the color scheme of the living room! He was using a purple castoff, a homemade Steelers quilt, and a duplicate comforter (white, grey, and black) of the one currently on the guest bed. When the blankets aren’t put away and all those colors are right in front of me, my senses go nuts. Alas, the new grey comforter isn’t heavy enough for his liking. I’ve decided to let the ugliness go for a few more weeks as he keeps using just the duplicate for the remainder of the season. Maybe by next year I’ll get all this stupid shit figured out.

I was planning on going out this weekend, but this time my back pain was the reason I couldn’t make it out, not my crazy brain. Also, the night before, my fucking vape pen started blinking red, and it needed to be charged. It usually does an “every color of the rainbow” thing when a charge is warranted, so I panicked at first. Mark was in the worst mood this same night, and I figured it was due to a combination of his doctor’s visit and that he just spent some time paying the bills. When he gets snippy with me, it doesn’t make me want to be around him, let alone fight through the anxiety I feel just to spend time with him. That aside, I was willing to do it. But I did a bunch of things that night that I never do, and it was too much for my body. I had a feeling that my back might pay the price the next day, so I was super annoyed when he didn’t help me out once he saw me doing them. I did a lot of bending and carrying as I was ridding the upstairs of blankets, putting the wall-high candelabra back together, and such. And now, for two days afterwards, I’ve been in a lot more pain than I usually am in. The pain went from burning to pinching to deep. I eventually noticed that I tensed up my shoulders when I was hurting. Right before bed, I have been regularly trying to scan my body to relax it; I especially need to remember to relax my entire body during these more intense times. It also sucks that the things I usually rely on to help “distract” my mind (reading, writing, watching tv) aren’t doing very much for me right now.

Lastly, apparently I incorrectly embedded 20,000,000 pictures in the anniversary/treehouse/trip post, so now I need to redo them. Goddamnit. It looks like we will be back from our 25-year anniversary trip before I even get this one uploaded.

the friendliest ghost

February 19, 2019 | Comments Off

Okay, so Casper/Sugar, if you’ve been following along, stops by every so often. I had a feeling I’d see him today, and I did! See how much he loves me?

Okay, love may be a bit much, but he sure was happy to see me. He wanted to come in again, but I didn’t think that would be a good idea. I’m not going to do that anymore unless all of mine are squared away. So I gave him some kibble and watched his route home. Yes, I know he has a home because we used our microchip scanner, found one, followed some steps, and called his owner.

Also, he prefers that I call him Casper as opposed to his given name of Sugar. I can tell by the way he moves his ears and responds in general. So here at our house he is Casper. That’s what he ran to when I opened the door in the above video and called for him. And awhile ago when he was out back, I lost sight of him and went to find him. I called for Sugar – and nothing. I called for Casper, and he came storming out of the new (under construction) neighbor’s yard. As he was walking back with me to the carport, I tried explaining that we just don’t know if these people are going to be animal friendly or not and that I didn’t want him to get used to going over there now too. Man, he sassed me the whole time, but I haven’t seen him venture in that direction since.

my own worst enemy

February 18, 2019 | Comments Off

It’s still been pretty quiet around here, and that’s okay by me. I’m a creature of habit, so when shit hits the fan, I don’t adapt well. Years ago, I used to be able to bob and weave easily, but now I find doing so incredibly difficult.

Let’s see. Lulu is eating better again, thankfully. At bedtime I am back to giving her a decent-sized fist full of treats (within reason), and she eats them all! It warms my cold, black heart. The boys are doing just fine, too. Things are tense right now between Mark and me, though. First, he only got me a card for Valentine’s Day because he was too busy to even think about it. I appreciate he’s working hard to pay the bills (and credit card debt), but I still felt slighted. See, when he moved to a new building, their office gave them welcome gifts. One of these was a four-pack of the best fucking chocolates I’ve ever had in my entire life ever ever ever. I’ve been asking him to find out where they came from – for months now. I hinted multiple times about these chocolates and Valentine’s Day. Alas, no. And I asked him to take me to get my hair done and to go out, but my brain said no when my anxiety kicked in. He was very angry that, again, he set time aside and I cancelled the plans. I don’t appreciate him being an asshole to me for the remainder of the day because of something I cannot control. On the other hand, I get it. But, see, I realized that I only took a pot pill when I should have vaped instead. Showering the night before helped because it was one less thing I had to do in the morning before leaving. So I’m trying to piece it all together so next time things all fall into place. So, yes, shower the night before, vape, and give myself time to meltdown and calm down. I never ever want to go anywhere when I first wake up but that can change if I have time to rest my back and medicate myself properly. I’ve noticed maybe twice now that after I’ve taken pills and calmed down that things look a little less daunting. It’d also be helpful if Mark had a backup plan for each time we make plans. This way maybe he wouldn’t pout and be as angry with me.

So let’s talk outside critters! After not seeing my deer family for a couple of weeks, the three of them were literally walking right up the middle of the street! They were slowly taking their time, and it was the cutest. Casper/Sugar, after about a week of not stopping by, finally visited us. He was in a bad mood and scratched Mark. Yikes. He’s been here two other times and is a bit growl-ly with Mark. As he’s such a friendly cat, I wonder if he had a bad encounter with a male somewhere along the way. I gave him another catnip toy, and he lost his mind with it. Moo Kitty stopped by after not visiting for about three months. She ate like a little piggy, and she never eats. I thought we’d see her the next day for food, but we haven’t seen her since. We have a new itty bitty raccoon who has started showing up, and he’s very, very friendly. He even followed Mark all around the carport. He saw Nabi, the neighbor kitty, and ran right up a tree. She is the neighborhood enforcer. Anyway, he lifts his right leg up when he runs, but he seems to walk with it okay. Poor baby. I read that boy raccoons are looking quite beat up lately because of mating season. If a female doesn’t want to get frisky when she’s approached, she will not be super receptive. We had a big, friendly guy show up the other night with wounds on his neck and surrounding his left eye. It’s awful to see. I also saw my twin raccoons after a long, long, long time of not seeing them. That being said, each time we get a couple inches of snow, I love looking at all the animal tracks in it and trying to guess whose is whose. Deer? Fox? Possum? Raccoon? Squirrel? Bird? Cat?

You know how people lose socks? Well, apparently, I lose pillowcases. When the cleaner now makes the master bed, it’s missing two pillowcases. How can this be? I just ordered two more not that long ago. I just don’t get it. And, speaking of covers to things, I had to order replacement cushions for our furniture in the sunroom. When Mark had baseball friends over to bbq, one of them got salsa on a cushion in the two seconds it took him to walk from the kitchen to the patio. And some other things have gotten on the cushions that I can’t even explain because that room is basically never used except by the cats. I guess they have some explaining to do. Two cushions are even ripped because, like a dummy, I didn’t zip them closed before washing. They’re all flipped over now, and the damage can’t be seen. I’ll keep them on until something else happens, and then they’ll go into the garbage. Oh. Actually I don’t have the ottomans in there right now; there’s only one side to them so they couldn’t flip. But these cushions are all made of sunbrella fabric, and now I have a website filled with tips on how to clean sunbrella based on stain. Anyway, I called at the end of December to get a price and called back after a month to place the order. He said he remembered us discussing that they were half off, which we actually didn’t discuss. I said I remembered, though, and I ended up saving $250 on them!

That reminds me of the recent pink sweater saga. This year I set out to buy a pink sweater because I just didn’t have one that fit anymore, and I kinda think my face looks rosier when I wear pink. So I found one I liked and bookmarked it. Once I went back to purchase it, it wasn’t there any longer. I chatted online with customer service and was told that it was discontinued. I asked two other times if it was ever expected to come back into stock and was repeatedly told it was “discontinued.” Imagine my surprise, when in my Facebook feed a month or so later, I see this very sweater being advertised by them – and it’s even on sale! I clicked and there it was. I was pissed because I bought another pink sweater online elsewhere. I left a comment and eventually ended up in Facebook chat with someone who pretended to understand my frustration. In the end, I ended up saying if they weren’t going to give it to me for free that I was going to write a bad post about them at my site. Yeah, I was probably high, and I cannot believe it actually worked. Anyway, she gave me a $25 gift card, and the sweater was on sale for $26.99. That’s close enough. So now I have two pink sweaters, and I never leave the house.

Lastly, my back pain. I don’t write about it much anymore because what is there to say other than it fucking sucks? It’s very limiting to be in this cycle of pain.

Valentine’s Day 2019

February 15, 2019 | Comments Off

Happy Valentine’s Day!

We got Lulu, Sam, and Oliver each a catnip snake that is covered in a Valentine’s Day print – and they went crazy for them! They have played with them, licked them, and laid on them. While I’m writing this, Lulu is taking a nap right on top of hers! There’s nothing better in my whole world than seeing my babies happy. It is everything.

Here are a few pictures and videos:

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

Valentine’s Day 2019

sweet nothings

February 13, 2019 | Comments Off

Here’s a snippet of our texting:
(I am blue & Mark is grey)

sweet nothings

(click image to enlarge)

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