rainy days

September 30, 2010 | Comments Off

It’s been another gross day for my back. Ugh. I didn’t get a whole lot of rest because of it last night and because the dog kept wanting out, but luckily I ended up sleeping pretty solidly from like 7-12 or so. I guess if I sit down and give it thought that today isn’t as bad as yesterday. We’re supposed to get some major rain (storms?) this evening, so I don’t see it getting any better. Then again, my back doesn’t always kick into the high pain gear just because it’s raining. Sometimes I’m ok and a lot of times it can be just as bad with the sun shining. My mom said something about it being the barometric pressure that affects us (she has back issues too and luckily collects disability whereas I’m still waiting on my court date). I googled that term & back pain and I understand the basics, but I wish someone could explain it to me like I was five years-old. I guess I’ll add that to my list of things to discuss with my pain management doctor at my next appointment. My mom also said – again – that I need to be out of the bed and do more things. It’s as if she doesn’t believe that if I could get on & off the floor to do my exercises that I most definitely would be doing that. And yesterday despite her pain she made homemade applesauce. Ummm. When she says all this kind of shit to me, well, it makes me feel worse.

The weather, rain or barometric pressure or whatever, is definitely affecting Spenser. His cough has been pretty intense since early this morning, so we’ve been giving him his pills – and thankfully they’re helping him while they’re in his system. I don’t like seeing any of them uncomfortable.

This weekend is the Apple Festival in our old town, and the weekend after that is the two-day Cranberry Festival in another local town. These are my favorites to go to! Both have such cute Xmas vendors. The Apple Festival has apple ice cream & apple donuts (moo) and the Cranberry one is just massive. Mark told me two years ago that I wasn’t “allowed” to buy more snowmen decorations for three years, so I’ve really tried to be good. I spent a lot right before he said that so I understood – plus we’ve only decorated the whole house & not just part of the house *once* since we’ve been here because of my back. Not that this stuff will go bad or won’t work in our future one-story or whatever, but it is a waste for it to sit in the Christmas closet because I can’t help decorate the way I used to be able to. Anyway, I’m hoping to be mobile for at least one of these events. Fingers crossed!

Besides being depressed & disappointed because of the usual stuff, I’ve started thinking again about how I want to be able to work. I mentioned it to my ex-boss again too (who wants to do a lunch/dinner thing soon-ish) because it really was the perfect at-home job for me. But then I realized that I’m not any more reliable than I was before – and I really wanted to be by now. I sat up to do my Lake George photo album the other night, and a little bit after that I was so stiff & tight that I actually would have needed my old lady cane again if Mark hadn’t been right there for me to grip onto. I’d like the extra income (as would Mark, obvs) and to feel valuable & smart again, but I guess I still need to give myself more time to heal from the surgery. I need to hope that something positive will still come from the procedure and that this isn’t going to keep being my life. Three years is long enough, and I’m tired of being mopey & pathetic. I hurt so much right now that I wish I could crawl out of my own skin. Yesterday may have been worse physically but I’m worn down emotionally from yet another day of this pain. I’m thinking I’ll definitely be having some booze tonight.

And it goes without saying, but if I can’t manage to do a photo album or put on makeup and so on, that this whole newfound biological clock ticking thing is wasted on me – and truthfully that’s bumming me out a lot too.

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