the cancer text

October 19, 2018 | Comments Off

It’s been a crazy fucking time.

Well, Oliver broke both of his hips due to a predisposed condition. He is slowly getting better, thankfully. So that’s a huge post that’s forthcoming. I also have a random update to do, not to mention the one about our anniversary trip!

But this post is about the text I got today from Mark:

the cancer text

Remember when he recently had viral meningitis? Well, they saw something off with his kidneys, and they wanted him to get an ultrasound, which he did on Wednesday. Now they want him to go back and get another one taken, this time with contrast. The doctor said it looks like it could be cancer. Mark tried to make that appointment, but the system kicked his doctor out as he was entering in his request. Even after waiting and re-entering the information, it still didn’t show up where it needed to. He was told to call back on Monday to schedule. So, yeah, he’s pretty scared, and I’m indulging in my medical marijuana a lot.

the never-ending construction

October 9, 2018 | Comments Off

The house building behind us is still going on! it started right about this week (or next week?) last year, and it seems fucking endless. Almost every single day for a solid year has been annoyingly noisy, and I have no idea when it’s going to stop. I’ll probably end up liking the nonstop construction better if some animal-hating, loud, rude assholes end up moving in, so I better be careful what I wish for. Anyway, last night my little Lulu was mesmerized by what she could see out her window:

nosy neighbor

October 8, 2018 | Comments Off

Mark was bringing groceries inside when our neighbor kitty decided to see if he got anything for her:

trip aftermath

October 8, 2018 | Comments Off

I’m completely annoyed and frustrated with Mark – yet again.

Okay, so this latest round started when it was time to go on our trip. My antisocial side already didn’t want to go, but my mind and body took it to a whole other extreme. The anxiety I’m showing in my skin picking and teeth grinding (my new dentist pointed it out; I had a feeling he was going to say something because I felt myself doing it about six months prior) weren’t the only ways my body was dealing with anxiety. As the trip got closer, I was throwing up, getting the antsy feeling in my arms, feeling unsettled and nervous, crying – and I had three panic attacks. Fantastic! The only reason I persevered and went on this trip is because I thought it’d change his mindset and make him happy for awhile. And I’d be wrong. The trip itself was mostly fine (more coming in an upcoming post), but I was exhausted when we came back home. My back was a nightmare, and I was emotionally done.

Unfortunately, we had tickets that were something like $200 to see Kathy Griffin on Saturday, a week after the trip, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It had been a long spell between vacations, so I didn’t know the full situation of what I was going to experience and how I would feel. I’ve already said that he has no empathy whatsoever. With regards to my back, he says that I’m lazy, I don’t try hard enough, and I make excuses, which is particularly insulting because he had a successful fusion surgery not all that long ago. I’ve pointed out before that he was able to have it done but that my situation is far worse than his and I’m unable to even have that surgery. And now with my anxiety, he’s feeling like he just has another thing that he has to deal with. I get that. I understand that. I do. But this isn’t intentional on my part. I’m not setting out to ruin his life, for fuck’s sake. He had a sneak preview of the pain I go through daily. He needs to remember how it felt and realize that constant pain makes me anxious, depressed, forgetful, and miserable. As for the tickets, that only reinforced his belief that I like wasting his time and money. I was hoping he’d be compassionate and say, “It is only money. It’s okay, and it’ll be fine. Your health is more important. Take some time to decompress from the trip, and we can try again another time.” But nope. It’s all “me me me” in his head and all about how it affects him. I never hear words of encouragement. He’s never emotionally supportive, compassionate, or understanding. As I said, it was a long time between getaways, and I had no idea how hard it would hit me. My teeth grinding is relatively new and my skin picking is worse, so maybe I should have pieced it together, rather than just thinking that my usual hesitation is because I’m antisocial and just wanna stay home with my babies. And I don’t say much of this to him because he twists it. Oh, okay, sometimes I say something passive aggressive that’s not the best, but he just rants, raves, and screams while I sit there. Before my back pain, I’d drag his ass for talking to me like that. Actually, he never really did talk down to me when I was healthy. But I don’t stick up for myself anymore because stress and yelling increases my back pain. I had a therapist I saw for my chronic pain when I was first struggling with it. She said to pretend that I’m wearing a suit of armor and that whatever he slings at me will fall right off of me and hit the ground. And I don’t think he reads here, so he never really gets my perspective. Or, if he does, he just doesn’t really care about it. This isn’t something I’ve planned to negatively impact his life. It negatively impacts my life, too. Obviously. Jesus! And it’s frustrating to have him get upset without even seeing my side. He needs an outlet, to talk to someone instead of dumping on me all the time. Maybe he needs to make a friend, see a therapist, or journal somewhere. I don’t know. And it’s all rather self-defeating because his yelling increases my anxiety and pain, the very two things he is impacted by. I know he does a lot for me. He does. But if he could just do those things without complaining in general or belittling me in the process. It’s just gotten so repetitive and mundane.

He really does do a lot for me. I don’t write about him bringing me ice cream in bed every night, though he initially always tells me to just go get it myself. He makes sure the bills are paid, though I hear him complain about how much we spend at the vet at least once a week. And I do try to make things easier for him. Just last week I complained to my pain management doctor about not being able to fill a NJ scrip in PA, and she said it actually was possible. Mark told me it wasn’t. He’s been bitching about having to drive to NJ to fill it for the second month (I get a prescription for two months each time I go; one month gets filled while I’m there and the second month requires a second trip) for two years now. But now I’ve found a local pharmacy we are going to try out this month, so that’s maybe one less thing off his plate. Sometimes I feel like like I am living with a ticking time bomb. What will set him off? In his perfect world, I’d have a new back, not spend any money, and want to travel. In my perfect world, he’d accept me for who I currently am. So what do I plan on doing about my anxiety? The obvious first thing is medical marijuana. And I’m wondering if I start going out more for little things (dinner, mall, whatever) if that’d make a difference and eventually desensitize myself. I don’t think it probably works like that though, huh? Of course, going out at all depends on the state of my back pain and skin picking successes or failures. Oh fuck. I am a mess.

cat chatter

October 5, 2018 | Comments Off

I had a couple of panic attacks before and during our trip to Vermont (more on that in the post about the trip itself), and I got even more panicked and really worried when we didn’t see Nabi, the neighbor kitty, for two full days before we left. On the morning we were set to leave, Mark went next door to see if he could get any intel on her whereabouts and to make sure she was okay. I had knocked on their door the day before, but nobody answered. He went over to ask about her after he saw someone in the yard. Of course, he blamed me and me alone for the reason he went over there: “My wife is worried about your cat.” He was just as freaked out and worried about her as I was, but he wasn’t about to admit that to them. Haha. Anyway, they were discussing her, and she lifted her head up when they were talking about her. And after our neighbor left for work a few minutes later, she trotted right up our driveway like she hadn’t just been missing for two days. So, yeah, that was one thing off my mind at least. The neighbor also said she goes to their other neighbor’s house a lot and she “double dips” when she does that. So I guess she triple dips with us? Haha. While we were away, we asked our friend/cleaner/pet sitter to feed her too. We watched our security cameras for the first time they came in contact with each other. Nabi scurried a few steps away at the unfamiliar person, but she didn’t go far and kept her tail straight up once she saw the plate of food. Haha. As for us, she now recognizes Mark’s car and starts running for our driveway as soon as she sees it pull onto the street.

Anyway, here are some photos that she took while she was watching my babies. The first one shows Oliver cutely watching tv from his pet bed, and this isn’t something he’s ever done with us; he is in that bed all the time, but he always faces the other way. In the second, Sam cuddles with her right by her face, and this isn’t something he’s ever done with us; he usually cuddles on our stomachs. The third photo is of Lulu hanging out on top of her while they watch tv together. Though she does that with us, namely with me, I was a little annoyed that she was so free with her affection. Sure, sleep next to her or whatever, but right on her? All my cats are traitors! The last photo is of Oliver, and it shows his love for my unpacked clothes.

Oliver watches tv when Eve pet sits him
Sam snuggling with Eve
Lulu watches tv while laying on Eve
Oliver likes my unpacked clothes

That being said, they aren’t an easy crew to manage. They all have medicine or stuff to take, Lulu gets two extra meals a day, and so on. I was so sad the whole time I was gone because I really just wanted to be with them. I wanted to be the one taking care of them. I knew they were in good hands, but, as a mama, I still worried. So yeah. And I cried happy tears when we got back from our trip because my babies were so well taken care of! That meant everything to me.

Before we left, we had a vet visit scheduled. Lulu and Sam needed their blood pressure checked. Mark held her at first when they did it, and it was high. They were talking about seeing what her blood and urine showed first before maybe needing to adjust her dosage. I suggested that I hold her and pet her while they checked it again. Well, her blood pressure came down to the range it was supposed to be in! Haha! She loves her mama best! But when her other results came back, it showed that her kidney values got a bit worse. She’s being retested in a couple of weeks to see what the numbers are and to then figure out how to proceed. Sigh. Sam’s results came back fine, so that was good news. But he still had inflammation in his back, and one of his back legs was tight. I’m guessing the pet chiropractor we saw in the next town over must suck. We’ve used two others in the past, both by our old house. One came to our house, and we saw him a lot (like every two weeks or so) because Pacey kept having issues. He won’t travel to our new house, and I even offered to double his rate. Ugh. The other chiropractor is our vet’s husband, and that’s who we took Sam and Lulu to this past week. We took her too just to make sure she was okay because her last two sessions were with that guy in the next town here. She’s always getting tackled by her brothers, so a fresh visit wasn’t going to hurt her either, right? Also, Sam has been very itchy, to the point where he is chewing and making slurping noises on himself. Last year at this exact time of year, we had an allergy test done after he was doing the same stuff as he is now. It showed he was only allergic to fleas, but we never saw any on him. I put him on advantage, though, and the issue did seem to resolve itself. This year the vet suggested we try Zyrtec, so he got his first dose of that today. I hate that he’s so uncomfortable like this, but I know we will get him feeling better soon. And Oliver, thankfully, seems to be doing just fine! He’s taking dasaquin now because a recent X-ray showed that he has early signs of hip dysplasia. We want to stay on top of that and do everything we can to help him with that as he ages, of course. So the next vet visit will be where they get more blood and urine from Lulu to check those pesky kidneys and where they examine Sam for mobility improvements, hopefully.

and your peter pan advice

October 4, 2018 | Comments Off

I think this comment thread is a decent example of what I was talking about in my previous post about the early days of the internet. That time was far superior because it was before any idiot could post any idiotic thing online. FYI, this was found under an article about Kaitlyn Jenner and her possible girlfriend. I’m obviously talking about the genius whose name is blocked out in pink.

an example of stupidity

early days of the internet

October 1, 2018 | Comments Off

So Mark and I started talking about the early days of the internet on our drive back from Vermont. We were entering Pennsylvania, and I got to thinking about how it’s called the keystone state. This reminded me of one of the guys I was first talking to online as his nickname on irc was keystone. I was going to visit him when the picture I sent him finally arrived – via the mailman! I didn’t have a recent photo or a scanner, so I couldn’t send a file. Anyway, he told me not to come after he saw what I looked like. He got it the day I was packing to leave. Wow. I was so heartbroken and hurt because he was basically saying I was ugly. I’m not sure I ever wrote about that before, namely because it doesn’t make me feel so great about myself. So that original thought eventually led me to irc, and that was my first real exposure to other people online. That being said, I don’t ever recall meeting someone stupid or someone who couldn’t use proper grammar. For years I felt this way. It was like you had to have a certain degree of intelligence to get online back then, and it wasn’t as readily available everywhere as it is now. That, unfortunately, has led to how terrible I find the internet to be right now. I’ve mentioned this before, but I find it quite disheartening how easy it is for everyone to express their opinions. If you have any doubt about what I am saying, just read the comments section on most any Facebook post. It hurts my brain. I remember using as my first isp and getting a busy signal when I’d try to dial in. I was somewhat friendly with the owners, and they’d kick someone off for me so I could get online. Haha. Though I like the speed that we have these days, there’s something to be said for that simpler, slower, smarter, better time.

Happy International Raccoon Appreciation Day

October 1, 2018 | Comments Off

Happy International Raccoon Appreciation Day! This took place last night. While we were away on a trip, our pet sitter also fed the raccoons, but they didn’t approach her. They stayed off to the side until she went back into the house. That makes me feel a bit better as I know now they are still cautious of humans and only feel comfortable approaching us.

And we have noticed a new raccoon in our tree! He’s been there the past couple of days, so it looks like we have a new tenant!

New raccoon in our tree!

the thrill of the fight

September 29, 2018 | Comments Off

Sometimes our three year age difference reveals itself.

We were listening to the radio on our way back from our 20 year anniversary trip when Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” came on.

Mark said to me that I remember the song for the song itself but he only knows it because it was Hulk Hogan’s wrestling theme song. Hahaha. What?

bubble gum pink

September 24, 2018 | Comments Off

Here are some videos and a photo of a recent night of raccoon fun! I was planning on ordering a kiddie pool for them, but Mark brought one home with him one day before I could!

a pink pool for the raccoons!

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