trip aftermath

October 8, 2018 | Comments Off

I’m completely annoyed and frustrated with Mark – yet again.

Okay, so this latest round started when it was time to go on our trip. My antisocial side already didn’t want to go, but my mind and body took it to a whole other extreme. The anxiety I’m showing in my skin picking and teeth grinding (my new dentist pointed it out; I had a feeling he was going to say something because I felt myself doing it about six months prior) weren’t the only ways my body was dealing with anxiety. As the trip got closer, I was throwing up, getting the antsy feeling in my arms, feeling unsettled and nervous, crying – and I had three panic attacks. Fantastic! The only reason I persevered and went on this trip is because I thought it’d change his mindset and make him happy for awhile. And I’d be wrong. The trip itself was mostly fine (more coming in an upcoming post), but I was exhausted when we came back home. My back was a nightmare, and I was emotionally done.

Unfortunately, we had tickets that were something like $200 to see Kathy Griffin on Saturday, a week after the trip, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It had been a long spell between vacations, so I didn’t know the full situation of what I was going to experience and how I would feel. I’ve already said that he has no empathy whatsoever. With regards to my back, he says that I’m lazy, I don’t try hard enough, and I make excuses, which is particularly insulting because he had a successful fusion surgery not all that long ago. I’ve pointed out before that he was able to have it done but that my situation is far worse than his and I’m unable to even have that surgery. And now with my anxiety, he’s feeling like he just has another thing that he has to deal with. I get that. I understand that. I do. But this isn’t intentional on my part. I’m not setting out to ruin his life, for fuck’s sake. He had a sneak preview of the pain I go through daily. He needs to remember how it felt and realize that constant pain makes me anxious, depressed, forgetful, and miserable. As for the tickets, that only reinforced his belief that I like wasting his time and money. I was hoping he’d be compassionate and say, “It is only money. It’s okay, and it’ll be fine. Your health is more important. Take some time to decompress from the trip, and we can try again another time.” But nope. It’s all “me me me” in his head and all about how it affects him. I never hear words of encouragement. He’s never emotionally supportive, compassionate, or understanding. As I said, it was a long time between getaways, and I had no idea how hard it would hit me. My teeth grinding is relatively new and my skin picking is worse, so maybe I should have pieced it together, rather than just thinking that my usual hesitation is because I’m antisocial and just wanna stay home with my babies. And I don’t say much of this to him because he twists it. Oh, okay, sometimes I say something passive aggressive that’s not the best, but he just rants, raves, and screams while I sit there. Before my back pain, I’d drag his ass for talking to me like that. Actually, he never really did talk down to me when I was healthy. But I don’t stick up for myself anymore because stress and yelling increases my back pain. I had a therapist I saw for my chronic pain when I was first struggling with it. She said to pretend that I’m wearing a suit of armor and that whatever he slings at me will fall right off of me and hit the ground. And I don’t think he reads here, so he never really gets my perspective. Or, if he does, he just doesn’t really care about it. This isn’t something I’ve planned to negatively impact his life. It negatively impacts my life, too. Obviously. Jesus! And it’s frustrating to have him get upset without even seeing my side. He needs an outlet, to talk to someone instead of dumping on me all the time. Maybe he needs to make a friend, see a therapist, or journal somewhere. I don’t know. And it’s all rather self-defeating because his yelling increases my anxiety and pain, the very two things he is impacted by. I know he does a lot for me. He does. But if he could just do those things without complaining in general or belittling me in the process. It’s just gotten so repetitive and mundane.

He really does do a lot for me. I don’t write about him bringing me ice cream in bed every night, though he initially always tells me to just go get it myself. He makes sure the bills are paid, though I hear him complain about how much we spend at the vet at least once a week. And I do try to make things easier for him. Just last week I complained to my pain management doctor about not being able to fill a NJ scrip in PA, and she said it actually was possible. Mark told me it wasn’t. He’s been bitching about having to drive to NJ to fill it for the second month (I get a prescription for two months each time I go; one month gets filled while I’m there and the second month requires a second trip) for two years now. But now I’ve found a local pharmacy we are going to try out this month, so that’s maybe one less thing off his plate. Sometimes I feel like like I am living with a ticking time bomb. What will set him off? In his perfect world, I’d have a new back, not spend any money, and want to travel. In my perfect world, he’d accept me for who I currently am. So what do I plan on doing about my anxiety? The obvious first thing is medical marijuana. And I’m wondering if I start going out more for little things (dinner, mall, whatever) if that’d make a difference and eventually desensitize myself. I don’t think it probably works like that though, huh? Of course, going out at all depends on the state of my back pain and skin picking successes or failures. Oh fuck. I am a mess.

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