same as it ever was

September 1, 2018 | Comments Off

So it’s time for a Mark update. Let’s see. A few years ago he started having major back issues too. He would do stuff and then have to lay down because he was in so much pain. It got worse and worse. Luckily for him, he was able to have fusion surgery (L4 and L5) and have it be successful. Here’s a photo of his new and improved back:

Fusion surgery

And not that he was ever close to being overweight, but this whole thing prompted him to get in the best shape of his life. Between working out at the gym, riding his bike, playing baseball, umpiring, and eating well, I thought he started to look fucking anorexic. After a cold triggered an asthma event, he was really sick for a bit until that was diagnosed. He wasn’t able to work out as much due to that and stopped being so restrictive with his behaviors. Then he had viral meningitis this summer, so it’s been up and down with him getting back to his full psycho status. But he’s back to doing all his favorite things again. The one thing he needs to let go of and actually may soon is playing baseball. He gets too wound up with it, and then it becomes not enjoyable for him. He will beat himself up over mistakes made, whether he made them or a teammate made them. I think it’s his elbow that is also bothering him, so it just makes sense to phase it out. Hmm. What else? He wants to get another beagle, but there’s no way that’s happening. He’s not around enough to take care of it, and it would be very difficult for me to take him out to potty and such. He still enjoys his job, but he wants a promotion. He still gets raises, but he has been eyeing this new position for awhile now. He also does some freelance coding too. So, yeah, he’s always ridiculously active. And I’m glad for that. It stops him from looking to me to be his entertainment committee.

And speaking of our relationship, well, it’s been better. Sure, we just celebrated 20 years of marriage and are going on an anniversary trip next month, but it certainly isn’t all magic and rainbows around here. A lot of it is the same stuff as before – him talking down to me, second-guessing things I say, and so on. I can tell him I read something online about such-and-such, and he will need to see it with his own eyes to know it’s true. He still says I’m lazy and that I “make excuses” when I rule out doing something either here at home or out and about. He doesn’t care that I am doing the best I can. It is my own body, and I know what it can’t and cannot handle. If I go do something away from the house, I pay for it for two to three days afterwards with increased pain. Gee, wonder why I’m not signing up for activity after activity? If I know I’m going somewhere the next day, I prefer to shower the night before because it’s way too much for me to do that, get ready, go do a few things, and get changed back into jammies once we’ve returned – things most everyone takes for granted. I stiffen up after doing one of those, so it’s not a lot of fun for me to be active. He forgets how much he hurt with his back issues, and my situation is way worse than his since surgery isn’t even an option for me. He also is upset with me even more after this move to Pennsylvania. I guess I told him that I’d spend more time in the living room than I have and that I’d eat dinner in the kitchen instead of in the bedroom. He says I don’t keep my promises, and he calls me a liar. I get that. That’s fair. But I’m doing what is the best and most comfortable for my back. For example, I take an afternoon nap and wake up to back pain; it’s raring to go. All I desperately want is to take a pill and to get the heating pad tight up against my skin. But it’s also time for dinner when I wake up. So, yeah, that’s basically why I don’t have dinner in the kitchen. It seems like every single night he lists off complaints. He never speaks complimentary of me and is always critical. To top it off, his yelling raises my pain level even more! I tell him all the time that he can pack his suitcases if he is so goddamned unhappy and miserable. After all, his favorite phrase is, “I’m tired of it!” He is still young, makes great money, and is attractive, so he can start over. I question if he stays with me out of guilt. You know, it’s not like he’s an absolute gem to live with. I clean up after him like he’s a little boy! He never ever pushes in the bar stool he sits on. He can’t shut drawers, cabinets, or closets. He never puts his clothes away. On that note, he leaves his shoes on the living room area rug when the coat closet is just like two feet away. He leaves the dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher; this is especially maddening because he didn’t do this at our last house. He pours coffee in our white sink without chasing it with water, and that stains it (bleach fixes it, but still). He leaves gobs of green toothpaste in the sink. And so on. But that part is just marriage, whereas my disability is another matter entirely. I do appreciate all that he does for me, and he does sooo much to take care of me and make me happy. He still gets me surprises. We still laugh a lot together. But when he makes comments like I should go to the grocery store, it enrages me. He knows driving is difficult, bending down to pick up things is difficult, lifting things is difficult – all of it. It’s insulting to hear that I’m not doing enough or trying hard enough. It’s never any fun to be belittled. I’m doing the best I can so that I don’t lose what’s left of my mind. I certainly didn’t anticipate my life turning out this way either! I honestly don’t know how to make it better.

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