have to versus want to

May 13, 2018 | Comments Off

I have such a huge hesitation when it comes to writing again. I feel a sense of obligation to talk about a few things in an attempt to play “catch up,” and I’m finding that this need is taking the fun out of writing again for me. It’s the whole “have to” versus “want to” thing. I hate feeling like I have to do something. Yeah, I’m so mature. Plus I haven’t written in a few years, so this site isn’t a real priority for me again as of yet. Another thing I still need to do is finish the “vocab words” section and add that back to the pet pages. As for writing in general, I worry I’ve gotten too rusty. What if I make grammar mistakes and end up looking just like the idiots I like to make fun of? Jesus, that would be awful. Not to mention that so much else has changed online too. There are even more dummies than the last time I was actively online. Each and every time I read comments on a post, whether it be Instagram or Facebook, I am horrified. Any idiot can comment on any little thing. It’s not that I am against people having opinions (well, maybe), but that they can’t express them without writing run-on after run-on with virtually zero punctuation. Articles I read have more errors in them than ever before. Posts by celebrities are even worse. I was just reading Mother’s Day tributes on instagram, and I had to laugh at how riddled with spelling mistakes they were. Speaking of instagram, I cannot stand how absurd it is with the filters and the poses (fake laughing, looking off into the distance, etc…). And these posts are always accompanied by hundreds of “your beautiful” comments. Your, not you’re. It makes my head spin round and round. Also, I’m not sure I’ll do product reviews this time around either. They were very time-consuming for me, especially due to my chronic pain. Now, though, there are new rules and different hashtags that are required. I just don’t know. I think maybe I’ll feel better about all this once I get the posts I feel obligated to write about over with. Maybe. In general, I need to shake this negativity that I seem to be surrounded by. If I could change my mental outlook on these posts from obligation to the opposite, it’d totally help. Speaking of negativity, I read online where it asked people to “name something you like about yourself” – and, goddamn, it took me forever to say something positive about myself. Even then, it wasn’t entirely all good. I said that I like my curly hair, but i countered that by saying it’s gotten a lot thinner over the years which really upsets me. How do I change that outlook? It’s hard when you’re in constant pain. It wears on you. Over time it makes you more negative and nastier. It doesn’t help that I have my husband constantly screaming at me that I can do more. How the fuck does he know that to be true? He doesn’t feel what I feel. How about two weeks ago when he was on the floor in tears before we went to the emergency room if I dismissed the way he was feeling and told him to get up and suck it up? How about a couple of years ago when he was able to have successful fusion surgery for his back pain if I screamed at him when he had to lay down in the evenings because he just couldn’t do one more thing? I think overall i know that it’d help if I saw more things in a positive way, but I’m struggling with actually getting there.

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