you’ve picked a fine time

December 2, 2014 | Comments Off

I watch a lot of television when I’m not sleeping, as they are the only two activities that keep me semi-sane, occupy me from the chronic pain, and prevent me from hurling myself off the roof. I’m quite annoyed because a lot of shows I got into have already been cancelled! Sure, some were better than others, but it just doesn’t seem fair. Selfie, A to Z, Bad Judge, and Manhattan Love Story are all gone, but thankfully Hulu is airing the unseen episodes of Selfie. Apparently Red Band Society was just pulled, so I’m not sure if it’s coming back or not. The biggest blow to me was the loss of Utopia, though. I had set that up to be my next Big Brother of sorts, which I consider to be a disabled person’s dream come true. It was a 24 hour thing so it was always on, there was always conflict, there were forums to go with it, and it just distracted the brain mindlessly. Sigh. I seriously mourned it for a solid two weeks. Now thankfully I’ve found the ridiculous The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE). Though the seasons are sort of short, there are thirteen of them and they are taped and aired only two weeks apart, I think I read. Currently I’m on season two. Some of these women have shocking faces, though, with the fake teeth, cheeks, lips, and crazily enormous boobs. They are almost hard to look at. And, speaking of, I need to view it with the subtitles on. But so far, so good! It’s doing its job of entertaining me until I need the next pain pill.

In other irritating news, the ad network I got the most money from, BlogPaws, decided to close its doors. I think the email said they wanted to focus more on sponsorship opportunities, which I don’t partake in because I like to do product reviews in my own time in my own way. I’ve never had a complaint with them, so I must be doing something right with them. Actually, I want to slow down and stop doing them once a week and go to doing them once every other week or maybe just once a month. We will see. My pain has been very, very challenging to deal with the last few days, so doing anything seems overwhelming right now. Also irritating is that I finally got around to doing the latest iPad update, and it totally sucks! This is probably why I didn’t do it for so long, because my intuition was telling me not to bother. I can’t use the editor I’ve used for years and years. My cut and paste feature now doesn’t work well. I really could go on and on. I’d like to roll it back!

I didn’t put up one of those Thanksgiving/grateful posts because it has been such a difficult year. Two of our beloved pets died. Eva and Spenser are never far from my mind. Neither are Kip nor Becca, to be fair. I’ve spent a lot of time this year feeling crushed over their deaths. Not to mention that I’m always in varying degrees of pain now that just wears me down, and it sucks that I feel like a shell of my former self. I no longer have a career, and I no longer contribute as I once did to my family. It’s been tough both physically and emotionally, and it’s hard to find the gratitude in that. Of course, I know things can get worse, as they did when Mark’s back started affecting him, and now he’s lined up to get fusion surgery! Gah! It’s really just hard and difficult tacked upon hard and difficult. He and I need to pull together more instead of being so angry. Both of us being in constant pain now makes it hard to do that, though. I’m trying. I’m also going to try to be more positive in the New Year, though I will still always be very aware of my losses and difficulties, obviously. I just need to focus on different things, different outcomes. Hopefully Mark’s back surgery turns out perfectly. Ideally then we can get Lulu and Pacey that little sister I want for them after Mark is better. And then maybe within two years we will finally move into that one-story (I feel like I’m always saying it’ll be two years and then two more years and then…).

Let’s see. What else? My brother read what I wrote about him after he bailed on us for the painting job, and he became quite angry that I mentioned him. In fact, he sent me a series of hateful texts that I wish I had saved because I’d like to recall them a bit more clearly. He said something along the lines like I can’t possibly have any real readers, how you guys must be losers, and Mark should leave me for the things I say about him here. Then he acted like I said something to him about my relationship with Mark that Mark doesn’t know. I laughed because I had written a whole post about it once when I was mad. Whatever. If he didn’t want me to write about him screwing over his sick sister, he shouldn’t have screwed over his sick sister. I’ve blocked any incoming texts and emails because I don’t need the added stress as it only increases my pain levels. But, in good news, I finally convinced Mark to allow our cleaner to do all of our grocery shopping for us! He doesn’t like asking people to do things whereas I don’t mind, especially when we are paying them for the service afterwards. And, he and I argued over the Christmas tree this year. He isn’t capable of getting out our usual big one, and I’m not sure I’m emotionally ready to see it and it with the ornaments of the pets we’ve lost this year. I mentioned getting a smaller tree and decorating it all in purple. Either way, the cleaner would help us put it up. He really understood that he needed the help for this, but he sort of wanted the other tree. He didn’t bring up any sentimental reasons for wanting it, and I knew it’d be especially difficult to put up, even with the help. Eventually he came around to my way of thinking, as he usually always does. For some reason I’m drawn to purple decorations this year, so we shall see how it goes!

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