typewriter tough guy

November 10, 2014 | Comments Off

Yeah, it’s just been more of the same around here. I’ve been sleeping as much as I can so that I don’t feel the back pain and then watching tv when I’m having decent moments.

But nothing is changing with the pain stuff. We tried increasing the new medication, the Topirimate, and nothing happened. I maybe thought something was working at first, but if it was, it didn’t last very long. That’s somewhat typical of whenever I start or increase a medication. Another trend I’ve noticed lately is that right before my period, for about ten long days, I seem to get such a deep, almost debilitating back pain that does not let up until I start menstruating. I’ve already been checked for that and had the appropriate conversations and ultrasounds and so on, yet it remains a mystery as to why it’s affecting me like this. Luckily I have this one machine that rotates two balls and heats up that I sit up and lean against, and it is the only thing that remotely touches the pain in any type of way. My periods aren’t regular, so I never know how long the particular monthly madness is going to last me, but it’s unbearable. The regular heating pad doesn’t work, the pills don’t work, laying down in different positions don’t work – nothing really quite works to take it away. But that’s the story of my life right there.

Mark has gone back to saying very hurtful and unkind things to me again. It’s as if he’s doubting the pain I’m in when he says I’m being lazy and could be doing more. I find statements like that so incredibly hateful and so lacking in empathy. The other night I was upset. All I wanted was a hug or a back rub and what I got was a lecture. A lot of times I believe I’d be better off emotionally if I were on my own. His mere presence and his tone of voice raise my pain level a lot of the time. I find myself taking extra pain pills after he’s left the room because he’s stressed me out so much and my back pain has thus gone through the roof. I know he’s unhappy with the situation. But there’s more that can change. We can hire someone to get the rest of the groceries that we can’t get shipped to us online, if he wanted to go that route since he hates grocery shopping so much. Why not get that out of his hair? He literally complains and shouts about that every single weekend. Now that Spenser has passed away, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot less pet hair to contend with. We can have the cleaner come every other week now instead of every week, so if he were going to bring money up as an issue, that can help with that. I don’t know. All I can do is bring up ideas, and I do. I bring up lots and lots of ideas, but he shoots them all down, all the time. All he wants to harp on is the fact that I don’t seem grateful or that I don’t thank him enough, but I thank him for all that he does all the time – so much so that he’s probably not even hearing it anymore.

It’s also ridiculous that he’s saying cruel things to me once again when he is able to relate to what I’m going through. He gets especially nastier when he’s hurting too. That’s right! He became an umpire because of his own back issues, but he forced the issue twice this fall ball season and actually played baseball himself until he was basically crawling through the front door. He loves the game that much that he’s willing to risk his health over a stupid hobby. Umpiring just isn’t enough for his dumb ass. The first time around he said he pitched the best he’s ever pitched, but he had terrible back pain for two weeks. He was already being a jerk to me like I mentioned, but he became even more unbearable. He was so nasty and mean because he was hurting. He felt okay for exactly two days before he played again. He could barely climb the stairs when he came home from that game. Of course, he was miserable to be around, he was struggling, and he couldn’t even bend. Weeks have now passed, and the only time he isn’t hurting is when he is sitting down. Truthfully, I don’t have much sympathy for him because this is all over a silly, stupid hobby. He’s being short, mean, and rude to me as if our situations are the same. At one point, he dared to glare at me in front of the vet tech when they were both bent over on the floor as Mark held Sam while Sam got his anal glands done. Mark was hurting, but to glare at me in front of someone else over something that was his own doing? I didn’t make him pitch a billion innings too many that caused him this pain. He’s going back to his doctor to discuss his options, which includes fusion surgery. I don’t even think that should be talked about further yet. If he had just listened to everyone the first time around and not pushed himself like a moron, then he’d still be moving through his days just fine. He was so, so bad the other night that he asked me if he could have half of one of my pain pills, but I said no. First off, no, they are my lifeline. And, second, no, if he takes a Tylenol PM, he’s still groggy for half of the next day, so he needs baby stuff. He’s seeing that doctor in a week anyway who I hope lectures his stupid ass off but will give him the right medication his body needs. Also, when we are in bed watching tv together, he gets super annoyed if I shift body positioning because it hurts him. I find this incredibly funny because he used to be so, so incredulous whenever I yelled at him to stop moving his feet around because it hurt my back. It just didn’t make sense to him how that could even be possible, but now he can relate. The thing is, he will get better, more than likely, and forget all of this, and it will be back to that different kind of super frustrating around here again. He still needs to see his doctor, probably get another MRI, see that doctor again, consult a surgeon, and then go from there. If he had only umpired and not played baseball, his back issue wouldn’t have gotten worse yet. It just wouldn’t have. And he already resented taking care of me when he was healthy, but now that he can’t even move? Pft.

But I also need to say that we’re not always at each other’s throats. There’s a lot of laughing, because you need to laugh in these types of situations or you’ll go even crazier. We watch tv together a lot. We actually do support each other a lot. I really try not to engage when he’s yelling which I think helps out our communication. It stops him sometimes, and he approaches me differently, though I’m not sure he is even aware that he’s doing so. But softer approaches are needed for the both of us because anger only increases our individual pain levels. We’re going to be getting another kitty soon as well as another vehicle because putting another dime into Mark’s Xterra just doesn’t make any more sense for us. We just came back from a fun and interesting overnight trip that we got along great on that I still need to write about; he picked out a gorgeous hotel and perfect rental car for my snobby self, which were both wonderful and thoughtful of him, even when he was dealing with his own pain issues.

Also, I’ve been texting with my brother because he’s supposed to come up to paint our sunroom and our new front door that’s now supposedly getting installed this week. While attempting to set up a time, he’s been talking about how horrible our mother is and how we both dealt with “psychological warfare” from her while we were growing up. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in thinking that. He thinks she never wanted kids which very well could be true, and he also agrees that it wouldn’t matter what we did, like if he cured cancer, that she would still find fault with an aspect of it. He is saying things like how my back pain stems from her which doesn’t make sense to me at all, no matter how many different ways he tries to spin it. All in all, I think it would benefit him greatly to do what I do and disengage from her as much as possible; not having her negativity around all the time is really quite nice, especially when I’m dealing with so much else already. I realize that I am probably not going to be in the will any longer which is truly unfortunate when it would change my life, but my mental health is already so taxed by dealing with what I already deal with.

Lastly, I can’t believe it’s practically mid-November already! I need to start ordering the furbabies their Christmas presents. It’s always sad to think that Kip isn’t here anymore to celebrate with us. And it’s going to be sad this year without having our wild child Eva flying around, and it’s especially going to be weird to not have any dog presents sitting under the tree or our Spenser to enjoy them for the first time in our marriage. But the others definitely deserve a great holiday (of course!), and they’ll get one! It’s going to be tough shopping, though, because I’m pretty sure they already have everything! Ha! If you have any suggestions, let me know!

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