August 21, 2014 | Comments Off

For quite a few weeks I’ve been mourning like crazy, for Spenser, of course, and for all the other ones all over again. It’s been madness. My brain went absolutely haywire, and I got so caught up in missing passed pets that I was finding it hard to enjoy the remaining four cats who are still here. I guess I’m coming out of that fog now, and I absolutely know I need to do so. I also, though, am very scared for them. They are all different ages, and two have kidney concerns that are being treated, but age doesn’t even mean anything. I unfortunately saw that firsthand when Eva died so young. At least I’ve stopped crying into their fur over their known and unknown health issues, which is a plus for my crazy ass.

Going from a dog and cat family to just a cat family is very sad and strange. Dog food commercials make me cry. Seeing dog products like toys and treats make me feel odd and incomplete. I’ve started seeing a commercial for a product that Spenser and I ran out of time to do a product review on, and there are just no words for that. Mark says skipping dog aisles at PetSmart doesn’t feel right. We took our gates down which even upset our cleaner. I can put food in the upstairs trash now without having to worry about the dog picking it out, but it feels weird, sad, and wrong to do so. We had shark costumes for shark week and planned to dress up the pets for it, but I just didn’t feel like it without him here. I’ll hold onto them or maybe I’ll end up donating them too with some of his other things. Mark is definitely a dog person and has mentioned getting another beagle after we move, but I’ll veto that as long as my veto power holds. He’d been looking at rescue sites, but thankfully that was only to find ones that he wanted to donate to in Spenser’s name. He is gone from the house for eleven hours a day, so who would be responsible for that dog really? Me, with my bad back. I’m sorry, but Mark’s back pain isn’t going to stay away forever. I’m glad it went away for now, but he has a serious condition too, and he just isn’t thinking that putting a dog out, scooping its poop, taking it for walks, and so on could be incredibly painful one day. I know we’d rescue an older one or another older abused one like our Becca, but I just don’t know if it would be in our best interests. I realize that sounds selfish, but I’ve also realized that sadly I can’t save them all. And that also brings me to a confession that we may actually end up getting a kitten sooner rather than later. Yes, you read that right: a kitten. As much as I want to rescue an older cat or a billion older cats, doing that before has caused various problems in our house, and I think the best bet would be to bring in something younger. I think Lulu really misses having a little sister to play with, something that she had in Eva. I also think that Sam could use someone to chase around since his current siblings don’t appreciate that one tiny bit.

As for my chronic pain, well, holy hell. My back pain has been so outrageously tough. I’ve been a bitch to deal with as a result. At my last pain management appointment, she increased my long-acting medicine to the highest this particular drug can go to safely, and, again, it’s like I feel nothing while on it. How is this even possible? I’ve tried countless long-acting drugs, and I feel nothing time and again. Sometimes initially I may and sometimes after an increase I may – for a day or two only. Then unfortunately it’s back to me feeling nothing and relying on my oxycodones to work, if they’re going to work for the moment. And my doctor again talked about moving me down from five of those a day to four a day, and that makes me panic. Nothing works for me but those when they do, and she still wants to take them from me too? So I found another pain management doctor to send my files to to see if they will accept me into their practice, and then I’ll find out if they give five to six pills a day (six would be in a perfect world). When I tried to find that out over the phone without submitting anything, under the notion that I’d rather not waste their time if they didn’t prescribe six pills to patients, the nurse I spoke with who was going to look into it for me didn’t call me back. Ack. I’m hoping that doesn’t mean I’m blacklisted if I do end up sending my files to them. That would suck because I don’t want to have to start my search all over again.

Speaking of my pain, I found this post written by someone on a forum we both frequent who deals with pain too, as it turns out. I’d like to share parts of it because I relate to it so, so much.

Car accident years ago left me in chronic pain and unable to work. I was medically retired from my job and increasingly unable to do anything.

And I’m so very, very bored. Don’t mean to whine, but I only have a few good moments throughout the day. The rest is sleeping/trying to sleep/drugged out/coping with pain etc..

OMG. That right there made me cry when I read it aloud to Mark yet also made me feel a little less alone. I wonder what the doctor is going to suggest we try next. I’m not even sure what long-acting medications are left to try. That brings me to an annoying email exchange I had with my insurance patient advocate. I was sort of asking about fentanyl lollipops again, and my doctor made it sound like it’d be difficult for me to get them. My advocate said there’s a form my doctor would have to fill out and a number she’d have to call. My advocate works with a pharmacist who informed her that these are also short-acting (duh), and he recommended that I ask my doctor to increase my long-acting medications first. Well, no shit there, Captain Obvious. I had to reply that “obviously” for the past seven years we’ve been trying to find a long-acting medication that I can actually feel. I know that they meant well, but when I’m laying here in pain and someone says something stupid like that to me like I have no brains, I just want to scream my face off.

Speaking of wanting to scream my face off, I’ve been working with a construction company to fix a few things around here, and they are just impossible. First off, when they came to the house to give us estimates on a partial roof repair and front door replacement, they were so slow. One guy said that he’d be right in and ten minutes later I had to go to his truck to get him. I had already alerted them to the fact that I had chronic pain and asked them not to leave if I didn’t get to the door quick enough to let them in, so I thought they’d be a tiny bit courteous. I was wrong. One of the guys was here for over an hour and a half about the front door. And, to this day, I don’t have the estimate in writing that we verbally confirmed. I’ve called and emailed about it at least ten times and have been told that it’s coming each time I’ve phoned. My emails about it have gone unreturned. If there’s no interest in doing the project, they could at least say so. At this point we’re going with someone else and then bringing in a painter to paint the new front door and the sunroom where the water damage from the roof occurred. Of course, Mark initially rejected my idea for the new person to do the front door that was suggested to us by the cleaner, saying he didn’t want to hear what anyone else had to say. Then two days later he texts me and says he’s calling them, all the while making it sound like it was his idea to begin with. Anyway, that being said, this first place did do our roof, but it got done late. There was a 7:00am start time, but they didn’t show up until 4:15pm. I actually had to call there five times, and nobody in the office had the courtesy to call me once to let me know they’d be starting late or coming late. One time I was told that they’d be here at noon, but nobody had the decency to let me know that they were running late yet again. It was just total nonsense. I’ll never use them again unless this roof they fixed that’s under warranty needs repaired while we are still here. At least they also removed our picnic table that we wanted to get rid of.

Mark has been talking about going away this fall. Whenever he brings this sort of thing up, I always say that I want to put the money away for the move – but now I see the value emotionally in a quick trip for us. The thing is, I’m having trouble even with thinking I’ll be able to make it to get my hair dyed because of my physical limitations. Thus, going away seems so daunting. I did bookmark a couple of things I thought we could do that aren’t too far from something we still need to do, so I think it may happen. What I still obviously really want to happen is a move. Mark is aggressively paying down our second mortgage and thinks that will be done and we will be able to move in less than two years. I keep hoping for one year. I was wishing and dreaming for this Christmas, but I only hurt myself with thinking those kind of thoughts. But it brings me back to my furbabies, honestly. I want them to have a screened-in porch again, and I just don’t know who will still be around when, sadly enough. Actually, they will probably miss these stairs. At times they fly all over them like crazy, and it never fails to make me laugh. Anyway, we are revisiting the topic next Spring. Then I suppose when things happen that we are going through a company that will find a renter to do all that stuff if the housing market doesn’t turn around by then. Until then, we will continue to pay and save, where appropriate. Even if it’s a brand new bombshell of a one-story, I’ll still need to redo the laundry room and bathroom right away for my back. I’d like to get those cool kitchen drawers and such that I saw that’d be perfect for my back pain needs, and I’d also like to get the dishwasher and other things raised in the kitchen too, but I think that’s a secondary wish. I will admit that I’m not a dumbass, but I am selfish. I know others have it worse than I do, but I can’t help but wallow and be sick to death of my own situation. I’m so freaking tired of my back pain and how horrible it is, and I’m so freaking frustrated that nobody can take it away for longer than an hour at a time. I also sit here while crying in pain and constantly think about how I hate this house so much. I sit here and stare at these same walls, and I just want to move and be around nice, new things now. I’ve never ever been good at waiting or at not being self-sufficient. I’m dependent on others now which is depressing and makes me even more depressed than I already used to be. I don’t know. I feel like moving and redecorating would be fun and would give my mind something to do. I’d like new things to look at and new surroundings to enjoy. It’ll happen, just not at the pace I want it to. Mark just doesn’t want to put things on credit cards like we used to do, and I get that, especially since we don’t have any credit card debt now. If I were still working, I’d feel better for a lot of reasons. I’d be contributing, he’d take me more seriously again, and we’d probably have been out of here long ago or at least be even closer to doing so.

I’ve been watching tons of silly tv with and without Mark when I haven’t been sleeping. We’ve watched frozen and sharknado 1 and sharknado 2. I’ve still been keeping a close eye on big brother which frankly is a disabled person’s viewing dream. I’ve been giving my Hulu and xfinity players a good workout, that’s for sure. Also, I’ve been buying some stuff from iTunes too that I can’t find OnDemand. Those things have somewhat helped keep my mind from sadness, depression, boredom, and self-hate. An idle mind and a bad back? Hear that? That’s me going splat after jumping off the roof.

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