why I could never be on Big Brother

July 22, 2014 | Comments Off

I’ve watched every season of Big Brother since it started, but I wouldn’t call myself a superfan. I don’t remember who all the players were. I can’t name what players were on what seasons, let alone who won vetos or how many heads of households. I watch it all and promptly forget it all. I do get quite involved while it airs, though! The season with Bunky, in fact, an online friend and I generated enough money from fellow fans to send a banner over the house at the right time that caused quite a stir moments before a live show. Dr. Will even commented that we were “good” which was high praise from the master! So while spending a lot of time watching it, including the live feeds, I’ve come to the obvious realization that I’d be terrible at playing it for the following reasons:

1 – Starting off by stating the obvious, because I suffer from chronic pain in my lower back, I’d be unable to compete in 99.9% of the physical challenges. Also, due to the pain medications I’m on and have been on, my memory is shot to hell, so the idea of my winning mental competitions would be laughable too. For instance, if Mark tells me on Monday that something is happening Thursday, there’s just no way I’ll remember that. If I were in the house, it’d take me like a month to remember anyone’s name. I just wouldn’t remember what happened on what day in the house, who said what, who is mad at whom, how many times anyone has been up on the block, or even what alliances I agreed to be in.

2 – I have perma bitch face. Add to that the fact that I simply cannot hide the way I feel about someone or something because it’s written on my face for all to see, and I’d be screwed.

3 – Nobody in there seems to shower or brush their teeth nearly enough for my liking. I’d be handing people gum or breath mints each time they wanted to chat with me, whether it be about personal stuff, bitching about other houseguests, or talking about game.

4 – Tying into that, that house, like all the previous houses, is disgusting. I cannot believe that there aren’t more house fights about the dirt, filth, clothing on the floor, glasses everywhere, the dirty kitchen, the dirty bathroom, and so on. This season there are ants everywhere. I’d die and would be a super nag about cleaning up after yourself.

5 – I talk like a truck driver, and they’d never be able to show me on tv without a billion bleeps.

6 – If someone uttered that ridiculous phrase “blood on my hands” around me, I just might stab them in the face.

7 – I have raging PMS wherein I hate everyone and everything. I realize I’d be edited to be the biggest bitch when I go in the diary room and talk shit about everyone and how stupid they are. I’m not sure being intensely hated by America would be fun.

8 – I’d never be able to handle being away from my furbabies, and I’d cry constantly. My current cymbalta dose would have to be tripled.

9 – If someone seriously asked me why the show was called Big Brother, I’d just self-evict right then and there because I’d be unable to ever stop talking about how dumb they were.

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