not so little anymore

July 16, 2014 | Comments Off

babysitting
babysitting
babysitting
babysitting
babysitting
babysitting
babysitting
babysitting

We babysat last weekend Friday into Saturday, and I think that may have been our last time doing it. It was just physically so difficult for me to manage it, and it isn’t fair for me to dump a lot of her care onto Mark’s shoulders when it isn’t even something he wants to do to begin with. We took her Friday night because she always acts grumpy as hell when we first get her but then wakes up just fine. I don’t know if it was my mood or my perceptions or what, but I just didn’t get the feeling that this time she had all that much fun. And she’s starting to do this thing with her face that her siblings do where they scrunch it up when they’re mad, annoyed, or unhappy, and it’s a look that I can’t help but read as ungrateful. There’s a local lake I never knew about that you only pay $6 to go to that has bunches of stuff to do. It was crowded but not too bad, and it was hot but not too hot. She came with a filthy bathing suit. I couldn’t believe my freaking eyes. I texted her mom about it because I was so grossed out when I should have just shut my mouth without saying anything about it at all. Mark was already going to kmart to look for things for the cooler so he tried to find another suit for her, but they didn’t have anything in her size, so we ended up quickly washing it. Some of the stains were just set in there for life. Ugh. I didn’t want people to think she was dirty because of me. And prior to going I had to face my own bathing suit hell. It was so very depressing. I came across the cute set I wore all those years ago when we went to Mexico and one from way before even that. How did I ever fit into those? Oh my gosh. I still fit into the suit I got a couple of years ago for when I was assigned aquatic physical therapy for my chronic pain in my lower back, so I just wore that, all the while wishing I could still fit into my super cute suit from Mexico. Anyway, she fell asleep for the twenty minute ride back here in the car which meant that she was fighting her nap when we carried her from the car to the bed. Eventually I laid my arms across hers so she’d stop clapping them together and told her to keep her eyes shut so she’d relax. She and I finally did nap together. Then we all played with chalk and bubbles until her mom came for her, with the bubbles being the biggest hit of the day. I already knew that she didn’t like water all that much, but she did okay at the lake. Sitting on my lap in the water was her preferred way of being wet as she wouldn’t sit on the lake floor herself. I was so relieved after she left and my house was put back to normal. I could tell the pets were happier after she was gone too.

That being said, if I were to win millions of dollars, I’d still apply to be a foster parent to babies ages infant to three. I’d definitely need assistance, hence that kind of money would be needed for someone else’s salary. I’d need help driving to therapy appointments, visits, and fun activities. I still read that foster forum at minimum twice a day. I feel so badly for those babies who experience trauma and neglect at such a young age. In my dream world, I would wake up one day and my debilitating chronic pain would be gone, a thing of the past, a distant memory, and I would be able to be a foster parent without even having to win the lottery. But then again, I guess I’d be winning a lottery of a different sort, right?

Speaking of, my pain has been pretty freaking atrocious the past few days, the taking-my-breath-away and leaving-me-alone-to-cry kind. I’m feeling especially worthless. It doesn’t help that Mark is back to yelling at me a lot again, pointing out that he does everything and that I do and contribute nothing. That’s great for my self-esteem. And each time he yells, my pain levels increase. And there are little comments that gut me too, like how he needs to get clothes but doesn’t want to go shopping with me. I thought he used to like my taste, but now I know he thinks I’ve lost my judgment since all I wear are nightgowns now. He also said I slow him down when shopping. I guess that’s true because I’m in such pain that I can only move at a snail’s pace now. Also, the past few days my grief over Eva’s death has been hitting me hard all over again, and I find myself questioning it all once more. She was a beautiful firecracker, and I hope she forgives me for not recognizing before it was too late that she had cancer and was dying. I’ve always prided myself on being overly attentive, so I feel like a giant failure in this regard as well. The house is still very, very quiet and lonely without her giant orange amazing presence.

I guess I’m hoping this weekend that we can get him some new work clothes anyway and me a manicure and pedicure. What is irritating me about having nice nails and fingers now is that I have to stay on top of the color because it’s constantly chipping. One tiny chip looks trashy to me, but it’s so much work to be doing all the freaking time. I try to paint them between manicures, and I totally suck at it. Maybe it’s just my polish choice? Mark’s birthday was Monday, so we should try to celebrate that too, even though his attitude towards me makes me want to smother him with a pillow rather than share a meal with him.



« Previous Post | Next Post »


Comments                  

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Name (required)

Email (required)

Website

Speak your mind