starting with the other shizz

May 8, 2014 | Comments Off

I’m still not ready to write about Eva, though I’ve been encouraged to share my experience. But I wonder what’s the point in doing that, to show that you can honestly not know your cat has cancer? Wouldn’t that be incredibly disheartening for other cat owners to hear? My mobile vet said what Eva had, carcinomatosis of the omentum (cancer in the tissue that holds her intestines together, lots of little tumors throughout the fatty tissue between her intestines), is common to rupture like that in dogs, but she has never seen that happen to a cat in all of her fifteen years that she has been practicing. How is that news beneficial to pet owners out there? She also told me that she has never seen a cat get sick (”go down”) like that so fast, and I’m so sad that it was my frisky nine year-old girl. What is my lesson to share? To hug your furbabies tight because you never really know when they might not be there? I’m just another sad story, really. But I’ll write about the day we lost her soon, you know, when I can.

Thus, we haven’t been doing too much which is the usual, due to my chronic back pain and me being a homebody – and now because of the sadness that hit us. There’s been a lot of staring into rooms where she should be, thinking about her, looking at her photos, watching her videos, going over what happened that day over and over again, thinking about what could have been done differently, blaming myself to the ends of the earth and back again, crying, and watching tv when my brain needed a break from the crazy I was putting it through, when I needed an escape. There was a piece of something orange that I saw that caused me to snap my head around faster than anything because I just swore it was her. It happened with Mark too with the orange toy dog he got the cleaner’s baby. The bed she used to sleep on in the guest room is bright orange, yellow, and colorful, and it still takes my breath away. I sometimes still hug it tight. There are a couple pieces of cat things that I won’t let the cleaner vacuum because I don’t want to lose her fur from them. Though we have locks of her fur, I still like getting on my hands and knees and looking at the tiny clumps (if you can even call them that) that she left behind. That room was basically only used by her. We’ve commented that only she would use the cat’s trapeze anymore or lay on the hammocks or squeeze through certain spots or bunny kick like a champ. Even with four cats, everything seems empty without her because she was just so lively and crazy and funny and fun. I guess I’ve been busy processing the hole and the quiet that’s been left behind here now. We’ve had two kitty deaths in two years now, both from cancer. They were our loudest purr-ers. They were the only two who really didn’t mind being held and carried around. I used to have two cats who’d follow me down to the first floor whenever I’d put the dog out, and now I only have one cat who does that with me. Sigh.

In other news, all the renovation that needed done on the first floor due to the frozen pipe that had burst has finally been finished! There’s one thing I would have had done differently if we were going to be living here forever and if we weren’t planning on moving, but it’s not even anything that’s driving me crazy to look at on a daily basis! It’s about the floor scratches that showed up after their guys moved furniture back into place. I would have had the boards replaced just because, but they stained them, and the scratches went away mostly completely. I don’t even see them at all. But my brain worries that they might show up in a few years if the stain fades, and what then? I just wanted the contractors out of the house as fast as possible. Mark, the furbabies, and I were all so stressed, and the project was already lasting much longer than it was supposed to, of course. The best thing of all was that once everything was put back into place that the dog stopped his nightly barking that kept affecting all of us off and on during the whole renovation process. So whew!

Mark has been umpiring a lot, he went to watch a baseball game in Baltimore, and he’s been watching a lot of baseball and hockey in the evenings which is fine by me. I sleep a lot during the day, so I use the evenings to watch my own stuff or to get other stuff done online that I need to. What Mark recently revealed to me is that his back has been limiting his second favorite activity: bike riding. First he can’t play baseball anymore because of his back, and now these back issues are causing him to get too stiff and tight after a ride. Long rides are sadly now out, but so far he can still do short ones. And at least he also has the umpiring! Maybe his sports site can end up satisfying the sports thing in him somewhat. I hope so. I do know that since Eva’s death that he’s stopped screaming at me, and I hope that continues. But back pain and the stress it causes are no joke. And for all these years it was just me. He’s talked about getting surgery after we move into a one-story, and I hope that ends up helping him. It would be nice to win a sweepstakes I’ve entered or a lotto we have a ticket for so that we can move quicker, he can do that, and more. I’m trying to be more positive and feel as if I’m surrounded by a more positive aura, thus what you put out into the universe is what you’ll be greeted back with. I’ve tried this before and didn’t last very long with it because I’ve just been a negative person for so long. It’s hard for me to be anything but when I’m in constant daily pain, when my sweet pets keep dying, when my family could help me financially but just won’t, when my husband has been repeatedly nasty to me, and so on. But all I can do is try again because it all starts with me. Lastly, I got my permanent makeup touched up last weekend. I got my hands on some Xanax which helped me out somewhat. I wasn’t sure if I’d try my eyeliner as well as my eyebrows because they were so sensitive last year during my first time with it. I hate things going near my eyes so much so that I can’t even think about wearing contacts! But it did go on easier this time, due to scar tissue buildup, so I was told. When discussing her schedule after recalling how difficult I was to do the last time around, my makeup artist said, “Usually it takes someone an hour, but, with you, I scheduled the rest of my day off.” Hahahaha! But it went well and turned out fine. Once I get my toes and hair done, I’ll look more human and less like a grieving shut-in.

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