standing still is hard

August 27, 2013 | Comments Off

My obsessive personality seems to focus on a few things at a time for just a short time and those few things are just it for me. Then what once was so incredibly important are things I can’t even recall. Right now Gossip Girl has fallen to the wayside so I can refresh the updates for Big Brother. I haven’t bought the live feeds yet. My sleep schedule will change if I end up doing that, and that’s already a mess with how much I’m sleeping. I think once the show ends that I’ll go back to Gossip Girl and then give The Good Wife a try. And my diet is back to shit, though I didn’t feel any differently without dairy for as long as I did that. I know I need to give that another try. I start things. I stop things. And repeat.

So last weekend we got to watch the cleaner’s baby again. I was going back and forth between wanting to babysit and then not when she asked if we would. So that answered that! Apparently her baby’s father doesn’t have much patience. The whole thing there confuses me. When she was here cleaning Friday she said he was trying harder and then by Sunday she said they were going to buy a house together. Wow, what? As for the baby, she was finally so nice to Mark the last time she was here which obviously made him so happy. She rarely cries now after you tell her what to expect before you do anything, from changing a diaper to napping to playing. This weekend was no different. She and Mark were play buddies, and I was the one to cuddle with. The furbabies are pretty much used to her being around, though I can tell that my Pacey struggles with it the most. He has a hair band of mine that he moves to a different location in the house each night, every night. Well, while the baby was here, he didn’t touch it once. It made me so sad! As soon as they left on Sunday, he started yapping to me about how her stay was unacceptable! I had a cute dream, though, about Becca Girl. She used to wear diapers, in case you didn’t know. In the dream both she and the baby were in the pack ‘n play in their diapers. I kept wondering how this elderly beagle could jump inside it – ha! It was just so, so nice to see Becca again.

We finally got their Halloween costumes. A theme is involved this year, so I had to get a bunch of the same ones. Well, of course, the one I selected was one of two that PetSmart’s website had a glitch regarding. It never got fixed like I was told it would, but thankfully Mark found all that we needed at three of their local stores. Actually, two stores probably would have done the trick, but we were trying to get the best sizes. Cat costumes never fit our cats, so we get medium dog costumes for them, etc. Last week was just an overall annoying week when it came to other people. Our mobile vet never called back to let us know that they got Spenser’s medicine reorder and were going to drop it off. It’s like they never call back to confirm anything anymore like they’re supposed to, and it’s super annoying. Also, after finally realizing that my hair was in desperate need of fresh dye, I found out one of my two favorite stylists has moved on. My super favorite one who owns the place and is more expensive can’t see me for another week or so (due to Mark’s work schedule), but at least I got somewhat presentable the other day when I had my cleaner take me to get my toes done and face waxed. And then there’s Mark.

This week, so far, has been better, but last week with him was just horrible. Marriage can be so freaking ridiculous. He was so mean to me every single day, and he was back to saying how he’s tired of doing everything around here. My pain isn’t going away, and I know it puts a horrible strain on us. But that doesn’t mean I need to be his emotional punching bag. He again brought up taking a winter vacation, but we both ended up agreeing that we shouldn’t travel until after Spenser goes to Furbaby Heaven. He’s a lot to handle and takes a lot of meds. He’s even more of a handful now ever since he got out of the hospital. There’s also the resentment we both feel that a vacation brings up. I want to save the money to put towards our new much-needed one-story. I’m sick of looking at these four walls and older furniture every day. But, as he likes to throw in my face, I did just spend a chunk of change on my permanent makeup and new site images, though I always figured I’d spend around $3000 on myself with my disability money for being in daily pain. But I also know that going away to celebrate fifteen years would be an investment in our relationship and in our future. The other morning we went on Zillow to check out what’s going on with the houses around here in our development. A house three houses down that was purchased right around when we bought ours is on the market. They bought it for around $250,000 like we did ours, and they are selling it for $166,000. Yikes. We can’t afford to take that kind of loss. So we remain stuck. My back remains stuck. I’m not upgrading one thing in this place, so my whole being is stuck. What’s a $4,500 or whatever vacation when all is said and done, I guess? I mean, whatever he wants to do is what I’ll do. What kind of real say should I have anyway when I’m bed-bound and non-contributing? Standing still is hard.

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