being alone is the best way to be

January 12, 2013 | Comments Off

During the past two days the pain has been so freaking unrelenting that I just want to claw my face off or reach into my back and tear out my spine. We had to cancel today’s plans because of it. I walked on the treadmill a little this past week, and I really wish I could do it more often. I’m adding a picture of someone doing yoga to my dream board because you need a healthy back for that kind of shit. It’s hard not to obsess about how atrocious I feel and about how nothing I’ve ever tried has made this pain even slightly more tolerable, and I know I need to have hope that this situation is going to change for me eventually. After 5.5 years of this, though, I’m not sure why I haven’t jumped off my roof yet. And speaking of the dream board, there’s a mid-February deadline that I need to keep. Once it’s done, I’m not sure what to do with it. I’ve read conflicting theories on whether it’s best to keep it out or to put it away.

I’ve been pretty good at keeping up with my tanning, only having to cancel on a few of my “scheduled” days due to the pain. Mark calls me Snooki. Also, because I’m using testosterone cream now in an attempt to balance out my wacky hormones, he makes jokes about that too. He says that I’m getting large muscles and that my voice is deepening, neither of which are true. But can that actually happen? This week I also did my second round of saliva testing for that hormone balancing doctor. I guess I’ll find out what’s changed in that regard soon enough. Also, I’m back to being super good when it comes to eating well. Mark always fears I’ve fallen off the wagon every time I have more than one day in a row of eating junkier foods. Honestly it may temporarily cross my mind because I’ve always had food issues, but thankfully it’s just not happening this time around! My cleaner keeps saying that I’m getting “tiny” which makes me laugh because I need to lose sixty more pounds before that would be an accurate description, but I appreciate her words of encouragement. With regards to other health stuff, I just got conflicting messages from my gynecologist’s office. I called to see if I needed an actual appointment in order to get a mammogram scrip, and I was told twice that I didn’t. So, yeah, I was planning on canceling my visit if they could just mail me something. Well, they called back and said it’s policy that I come in for it. I’m guessing that’s because I haven’t gotten checked out in over a year. I rescheduled it, so hopefully it won’t be a huge deal. Mark wanted me to call my insurance advocate to see if I could get a mammogram slip another way, but I never wrote down her extension. Besides, she didn’t call me back about finding me a chronic pain support group with more convenient hours, nor did she send her business card in the mail like she said she was going to.

I was really hoping to babysit more often than it turns out I’m physically able to. I wish the baby things I bought were getting more use than they actually are. Mark initially didn’t want to help me watch her tomorrow, but he knows I’m baby crazy and that I pretty much can’t do it without him. My cleaner mentioned that she’d like us to watch her here overnight one night next month when she goes away, and I think that’ll be quite an adventure. Speaking of kids, next weekend I’m supposed to hang out with my high school and college best friend, and she mentioned bringing two of her three kids. While I hope my back doesn’t force me to cancel, I’ll admit I’m a little annoyed that she wants to bring her oldest along. Getting ready to go out is such a huge ordeal for me, and now I won’t be able to be myself and curse after all is said and done. It’s fine, I suppose, but I sort of think the whole point of getting together is to be able to speak and share things freely.



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