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December 26, 2012 | Comments Off

I thought Christmas Day wasn’t going to be so, so terrible because we watched videos with Kip in them on Christmas Eve, and I went to bed with incredibly warm and fuzzy feelings. There are a few videos where I can hear him eating and purring – and OMG my whole heart melts all over again. We watched a different one where he looks up at me after I call his name, and it was just extraordinary to relive. That cat used to make me feel so adored just from the way he used to look at me. Oh, his eyes! His expressions! Christmas Day, though, just felt so off, because we obviously are used to having him be a part of the holiday with us. I had them wear red and green jingle bell necklaces last year, and seeing the extra one this year was really tough. So we were sad and missing him a lot, of course. Later in the day I felt such an emotional letdown. I’ve been feeling so antsy, cranky, and bored lately in general too. I know I need to be more positive, but it’s hard to focus on that when my heart hurts. That being said, the babies all enjoyed their gifts. Spenser, surprisingly, was the first one to try to get into his packages! It was nice to see Basia play because she’s our resident recluse. And Lulu turns into a frisky maniac whenever wrapping paper is involved!

Last week Mark and I both had major stomach issues. I was about 12 hours behind him and took three times as much pink meds as he did. He thinks it was food poisoning, but I only had a small bite of the steak he swears was the culprit. I suppose it doesn’t take much, though. I was worried we’d still be sick for Christmas, but thankfully the babies still got all their gifts right on time! Speaking of, my parents sent them a $50 gift card to PetSmart, and that more than made up for that ridiculous gift basket they sent us. Letting us pick out stuff for them is the best gift. As for the “family” part of the holiday, it was just the two of us. My brother started to change his mind which pissed me off to the point where I told him to just not bother coming over. At first he basically said I should tell him when to come, so I did. Then I decided to let it be more open so that he could pick a different time if he wanted to. It doesn’t ever matter to us as long as our Christmas mornings (until noon) are free. A few days later when I texted to confirm the time, he said that we live too far away and that he had other places to go to as well. It was just so damned rude after I tried to be extra accommodating. I know I say it a lot, but I’m done bending over backwards for my relatives. There’s never ever anything positive to come out of it.

I had my first follow-up call with my new doctor. My extra thyroid test (reverse T3?) came back fine, and that was a little annoying because my thyroid was the driving force behind going to see this guy in the first place. He’s still hoping getting my hormones regulated will help diminish the back pain. Since I’m still wildly moody and highly irritable, he’s increasing my progesterone. I guess time will tell if that’s enough to make me feel human again, in more ways than one. After that gets situated, then we move onto food allergy testing.

I’ve been snacking on some cookies and such for the holidays, and I’m really feeling sick. My body is not used to eating this way anymore, so I’ve gotten back on track quicker than I thought I would. In fact, I didn’t eat a lot of the snack foods I asked Mark to pick up for me for the holiday. Between being sick last week and splurging now, my stomach hasn’t felt ideal in what seems like a long, long time. I’m over it. Speaking of, we ate at Maggianos over the weekend. That place has really gone downhill since we last were there. Right away I knew something was off when I went to the bathroom and heard young boys rapping profanity down the hallway. Eating there was part of Mark’s “big holiday night out” which he insists on doing each year. Eating out isn’t always part of it, but he just has to drive around and look at lights. This year was the third year we went to a decked out farm in Pennsylvania, namely because we hadn’t gotten a new ornament for our tree and I thought we would be able to do that in its gift shop (though only just barely as pickings were slim). Then we went to this house that has its own website because of its supposed grand decorations, but it sucked. Around the corner was a cool house that had its lights timed with the music on its own radio station. That’s the second one we spotted this year, and they are by far my new favorite things to see. The night was a little sad when we heard certain Christmas songs that we used to sing for and to Kip.

So that red dress I’ve been eyeing up is now half off, but I just can’t bring myself to buy it. I never go anywhere, but it’s not like it’d go out of style. It’s gorgeous and fabulous. I’ve literally been checking the site daily to catch a glimpse of its sale price. Ugh. I did buy four new sweaters/cardigans because Mark got me grey Uggs and the majority of my winter stuff is brown. That mini shopping spree was obviously a necessity, and I wish I could somehow rationalize the dress purchase the same way. Hmmm.

Speaking of never going anywhere, I freak out whenever it is I actually do leave the house. I don’t throw fits (much), but internally I panic. I’m afraid of what will happen to my furbabies if I die. If Mark is still alive, I know they will be just fine. But if he dies too? We could both be killed in a car crash or a random shooting or whatever while out. I know some nutjob could kill us during a home invasion just as easily, but there’s something about leaving them here while I go out that especially scares me. And at what age do I need to stop having pets? What if I drop dead from a heart attack when I’m 70? Who will take care of my pet(s) then? I’m sure my body will be found alone, probably by smell, since I keep to myself. But I know that my biggest worry is for my pets. I need to set something up so that they are fully taken care of if I go before them. If you have any ideas, please let me know!

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