wednesday review

August 26, 2010 | Comments Off

Maybe it’s the pms, I don’t know. But yesterday was made of fail.

I totally felt pain across my entire lower back, just like before surgery. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to sleep as long as I could as an escape. Later on, I tried the treadmill, but it was too hard for me, so I ended up doing the “walk around the house” thing three separate times.

Plus, Mark’s throat has been bothering him for days now. I’m not sure if he’s going to the doctor today or not. It hasn’t developed into a cold, but it hurts him to swallow and apparently the outside of his throat hurts when he touches it. Ack. I hope it’s nothing serious because I selfishly want him all better and focused on helping me. Is that wrong to say?

Anyway, I called the surgeon yesterday because I was beside myself and it had been almost a week since the surgery. I was crying, emotional, and frustrated. He called me back and said I should keep resting, that he did a lot of stuff in my back, and that the pain is normal for a few weeks. But what about all the people who could mall walk and got their mobile lives back almost instantaneously? I hate them. Ugh. Lucky bitches. And next week I am to start physical therapy – which should consist of more icing, massage, and TENS unit usage, etc. After that, physical therapy for me will mean light stretching. And I can get another home exercise plan when I’m ready. I definitely want to go for a few visits before I get the HEP and re-learn all the positions and such since it’s been so long since I’ve been able to do any of that. Mark and I both calmed down some after talking to Dr. Liu.

It didn’t help that the synagogue where I used to work called and emailed to see how I was doing. It made me feel like a failure because I couldn’t say that what I thought were improvements last Friday had lasted. I may be able to walk more which is entirely a positive and hopeful in its own right, but I wanted so much more for myself faster. I want to not need these pain pills – eventually I could prolly lower my Cymbalta too. I want to not need this bed as a crutch. And so on. Also, I hope that they will hire me back in some capacity too, namely from home because we are down to one vehicle.

But pills, ice, tv (Bad Girls Club, Big Brother, Animal Hoarding) and ice cream ended the night on a good note, thankfully.

I hope I can nap some more now and then spend lots of time walking around the house today (it’s way too hot outside to go out there for that shit).

Edited to add: the doctor did say that the pain may not ever go entirely away, but that it should definitely get more tolerable. I still consider that good news, to an extent. I knew that going in. He said there was an 80% chance he could help me. That’s a high percentage, so I’m TRYING to be hopeful this will turn around. One day at a time…

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