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November 27, 2012 | Comments Off

I’m in such tremendous pain right now. It hasn’t let up for days, and I feel so beaten up by it. There have been a couple of times over the years when the pain has been minimal and hardly worth mentioning, but for the most part it’s been very difficult to contend with day in and day out. Somehow I get through each day, but when it’s like this and all I can do is cry, I can’t help but feel sorry for myself. And then the questions start. Where did my life go? Will it always be like this? Why do I have to go through this? Why haven’t any of the zillions of doctors I’ve seen or procedures I’ve had worked out? When I’m in the midst of how intense the pain in my lower back has been, it feels like there’s no end in sight. I was considering trying pot again until I remembered that my current pain management office is against that (my previous one looked the other way). There’s always booze. They are against that too, but at least it won’t show up in a drug screen. On these days I take extra pain pills, and I’m very afraid I’m going to run out.

This was the weekend where it was time to focus on what we’re thankful for, but it’s been especially hard to get out of my own way to do that. I know the obvious answers though: Mark, my furbabies, the rest of my health, a roof over my head, and so on. My usual self would say it’d be great if Mark were less grumpy at times, if cancer hadn’t taken my sweet Kip away, if my back weren’t such a horrid bitch, if I could finally be in a one-story and out of these stairs, and so on. Anyway, speaking of, Thanksgiving dinner was nice and quiet. We had a good time, and we gave all the furbabies leftover turkey when we got home.

Before we left, though, Mark started talking about checking out the Keurigs at Boscovs since we were going there to look for a scarf for me. I was instantly annoyed because I was planning on surprising him with one for Christmas. We haven’t exchanged decent gifts in a long time, so I was excited about this. He knew I was getting something nice for him, and he was fishing for what it was. Basically he sabotaged the surprise of this present. I usually don’t have a good game face, so it was written all over it how pissed I was as soon as he said Keurig. Ugh. Whatever. It’s hard for me to keep quiet once I buy gifts, so chances are it wouldn’t have remained a surprise until December 25th anyway. Anyway, we had heard Boscovs was open until 4:00pm on Thanksgiving, so we stopped there before we ate. Apparently they were closing at 1:00pm instead, and we were almost booted out! One old lady was already checking out her register and wouldn’t ring us up, but thankfully another guy was willing to. Mark got a shirt and pants, I got the best scarf that pulled together the blues in my new coat and Coach bag, and we got the Keurig platinum.

I wanted to go Black Friday shopping to Kohls since they opened at midnight. My back was still tolerable early Friday morning, and I’ve always liked their jammies and holiday selection, plus Mark still needed some new shirts. I thought it’d be a win/win. Ha! Mark was in a bad mood and didn’t especially want to be out since he had to work from home in the morning. I was hoping hot chocolate and a different environment would help his mood, but it didn’t. He didn’t like anything he saw, and I was so annoyed that I didn’t even look at anything for me. I felt like he wasn’t trying to have fun, but whatever. Apparently while we were out we missed an earthquake near our house! I feel bad that I wasn’t here for my babies, but they were acting just fine when we got back. So whew.

Also this weekend Mark graciously put up the Christmas tree all by himself without complaining. I hurt too much to help, but I will have to add more snowflakes to it at some point. Each time I see it I think of my Kippy. I’d prefer to take it down and not celebrate at all, but I know that’s not fair to the other babies. I just wish he were here. I miss him so much, of course. In other news, my brother actually apologized to me after I said I felt like he was being unnecessarily rude to me via text. He never apologizes, so it was a shocking moment for sure. Also, I hurt too much to go do my weekend errands yet again, but I did finish watching the entire Dawson’s Creek series. I’m glad Pacey returned to the restaurant business and that he ended up with Joey. That being said, I never understood why all the boys always fell in love with her. She was so rude and so mean most of the time. I also cried like a baby at Jen’s death. The highlight of season six was Dawson’s director/friend (the dark-haired guy with the accent). He was the best! So now I need to focus on what to re-watch next, and I’m leaning towards Party of Five, though I still eventually would like to get to My So-Called Life, Felicity, Freaks and Geeks, The Good Wife, and Pretty Little Liars (these last two I’ve never seen one episode of).

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