“I don’t want you to hate me”

February 13, 2011 | Comments Off

Immediately after reading my entry last night, Mark texted me that I was not a homebody when we first met. I don’t recall doing tons & tons of things, except like going to the movies, but he insists we did lots of stuff. This led to a huge fight. He said we talked about going to Vegas to get married there. Seriously? He didn’t even want to get married then, and that’s what he used as an example? What I recall is an Internet party I had in like 2000 where neither of us were used to doing as much as we did or being around as many people at once as we were – and that was two years into the marriage. It did feel sad after everyone went back home, I’ll admit. But that was like eleven years ago! I believe a stay-at-home pattern was established well before and well after that, and he’s never been bound to me by chains. Jesus.

And this past fall I could tell he was antsy about not going out, and I tried to find events for us to go to. But he didn’t want to spend the money, so we stopped. I was trying at that point to go out when I could manage it with my back! Goddamn.

Speaking of reading my site, my mom said the other day that she has eyes – she was making a point that she sees what I’m posting about her. Uh, I think I figured that out when I saw my site in her computer’s Internet history twice over the course of the past couple of years. When she sent me that below email about my pills doing more harm than good since they aren’t working, I had to reply that I’ve said multiple times here that they sometimes do work & that I have different kinds of pain so it depends. Gah. So, yes, some days the meds can’t touch the pain and some days they do. She must be a skimmer.

So why did Mark get me a Valentine’s Day gift? I guess because he says he still loves me and because we’re still living together. I don’t know. I got him a back scratcher, mainly because it was $10 and I am tired of seeing him rub his back against the door frame when he’s itchy (it’s gross). I mean, we’ve been watching tv together some nights. It’s hard to be civil, but there are moments when civility happens.

I can’t help but think that if past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and he does something shitty to us every few years that I’m totally screwed.

Today we discussed more options. He said I’ll never be alone unless I want that, meaning he’ll be around to take care of me in some capacity. He brought up us getting a one-story together, with like two sets of living quarters in one place – if divorce is something we both decide on since now he’s not rushing to get one. Separate but together? Uh, no. That’s what this is to an extent, and it’s not the best circumstance. And if I’m so horrible and he wants to jet off to Peru & China with someone who better understands him, he won’t be around to get my groceries anyway.

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