I’m not sure if others with chronic pain do this regularly naturally or not – but for whatever reason, I still don’t.

Whenever I lay down, there are times when I’m still not entirely relaxed and parts of my body are still tense – and I don’t even know it unless I do this: scan my body from head to toe and literally take a deep breath and exhale deeply, and then it’s like I’m melting into the pillow. I feel my shoulders sink further into the bed, etc. This helps me greatly.

I’ve been feeling a lot of pain this weekend. Friday night I was just sore where my stitches are, but the pain set in by the time I woke up Saturday morning.

There’s pain across my lower back, but it’s a different kind of pain than before. I was definitely more miserable yesterday than today, but I still hurt a ton. And today I also have pain in the upper part of my legs. The pain pills are only doing so much, and he gave me a lesser dosage than what I’m normally used to.

I’m bummed out because I read about and talked to these people who were like instantly better the day after surgery, and I’m not like that. I understand it’s back surgery and that’s a huge deal, laser procedure or not. And my mom reminded me that no two people are alike and no two backs are alike and no two procedures are alike, so I can’t compare myself to them. I know, I know. But I just wanted this pain to be gone. They did a lot of stuff back there, and I guess I just need to give it more time. I’m just tired of hurting and of being in pain. I mean, it’s gotta go away because I don’t think there’s even much left back there anyway!

All I’ve been doing is resting and waiting for an improvement. Mark’s out getting groceries and has been doing the usual stuff around here, thankfully. I’m just sooo over this nonsense. I want my life, mobility, and independence back. Right now I have an ice pack strapped to me and a frown on my face. Yuck.

Friday morning our hotel room started to look like something out of an episode of Hoarders. We had wrappers and plates everywhere, and the maid didn’t understand us the day before when we asked her to take the trash and used glassware. Ugh.

We checked out and headed an hour to my post-op appointment. We really should have stayed up that way again for another day because sitting is supposed to be limited. Mark had the seat leaning back, but I wasn’t flat enough. Combine that with traffic jams and multiple stops for stretching, and it wasn’t a quick trip home.

We had to wait for the doctor to finish up another surgery, watched most of an episode of The View while in the waiting room, and then we got to meet with him for any questions we had. I asked if having a baby down the line could affect my back, but he said no. I can use ice but not the heating pad for two weeks. Etc.

On the trip home, we got to see the feral cat colony that is off of the Walt Whitman rest stop that I had read of on catster.com. A cat had run away from its owner at that stop and was found almost six months later. Anyway, it hadn’t been accepted by these cats in the meantime. But we got to see the pet igloos and trashcans turned on their side (looked like they were growing into the hills, but I couldn’t twist to get a good look) with hay in them. None of the cats came to me when I called to them. Bummer!

So we got back home, and my mom shaved my legs for me and headed back to her house. Beyond that, I only remember being sore at the site of my stitches.

After getting back to the surgery center, I had more shit to sign my name to. I was irritated because I had signed so much the day before, but it is what it is.

Basically the same thing happened after that. I changed into the surgery gear and got hooked up to an iv. This time another guy came out and attached silver-looking things to my legs because they were going to be testing my nerves (?) throughout the surgery.

What freaked me out was when I was told two different times that they’d have to wake me up to test things, like they did during my discogram. I wasn’t given this information before, and I wasn’t thrilled.

So, let’s see. They brought me to the surgery area and I got up on the table. After feeling little zaps on my legs, I was out of it for the most part. But there was one part I won’t forget: they were testing something and I was awake, and I could feel what they were doing to me – and it hurt like a son of a bitch. I remember saying STOP! STOP! and then STOP TOUCHING ME! And they did, and then I was back under. That was truly worse than the discogram. There are just no words to adequately describe what that felt like. The doctor told me the next day that they woke me up three times in all. Ew.

Next thing I know, I woke up slowly, drank juice and ate crackers, and left. Mark was still out getting me flowers and picking up my prescriptions, so they had to call him.

Speaking of scrips, they initially prescribed me amoxicillin, which I am allergic to. I’m not sure how this happened because I stated on all my forms that I can’t have it, and they asked me twice on Wednesday and once on Thursday what I was allergic to! The pharmacy flagged it, and I had to get something else prescribed. WTF.

The doctor kept saying how bad my back was for someone my age and even asked me how hard I work (ha!) because of the shape it’s in. He said he did the full discectomy at L3,L4, and at L5,S1 that he got most – but not all – of the herniation removed. Apparently it was trickier than he thought and there is still some of it left behind some bone. Ack. Regarding L4,L5, he said there wasn’t any disc left there naturally, and that it’s bone on bone. He believes in 10-15 years that it will fuse together on its own. It shouldn’t give me pain, just stiffness.

Two of my nurses were dating. I asked them about it on my last day, and they couldn’t believe I could tell. Ummm? They were very flirty but said they are trying to be discreet in front of the doctors. Ha. I told them they had good chemistry. I think they have cute flirty chemistry, but nothing longterm. Anyway.

We went straight to the hotel, and I napped for a couple of hours. I wasn’t feeling my best and couldn’t get comfortable easily. Then we watched Big Brother and went to bed.

And that’s that. The pain I felt during surgery still sticks with me. If I get better, then it’ll have been worth it.

I’m back at the hotel. Surgery is over, but I’m completely miserable and can’t get comfortable. Hopefully I can write more later on.

This is me prior to getting sliced and diced:

I’m so stiff & sore – so much more than I was even an hour ago. I remember talking to that guy who had a discogram and him saying how stiff he was. This is unreal. I’m having one hell of a time getting in and out of this bed. It makes me cry. So much crying today. Ack. I guess I’m a wimp.

Mark is running down to the lobby to get some milk and a fork so we can eat the chocolate cake we brought back to the hotel with us from Charlie Browns. Then there will be one final quick call of the night to my mom to check on my critters – and then bed.

I think I’m wearing my nightgown over to the surgery center tomorrow…for simplicity’s sake.

The SurgiCare Center (I think that’s the name) called me in at 10:30am on the button, according to Mark. I changed into a gown, slippers, and hat/cap thing. After that, they took my blood pressure and heart rate and then asked a bunch of questions like, “How often do you drink?” to which I replied, “Not nearly enough.” My least favorite part of the whole thing is when they have to tap into your vein to put in an iv, which I’ve had done when I’ve gotten injections. It made me cry.

I ended up sitting there until noon. My nerves were already frayed, so I was an emotional, freaked-out mess. I had almost talked myself out of getting the discogram, but Mark threatened to give away the cats if I did that. When the doctor, anaesthesiologist, and nurse came out to give me an idea of what to expect, I lost it. I was sobbing. I was scared to death.

There was a really old guy there getting his monthly stuff injected into him, and he was so nice. He tried hard to make me laugh and told stories about his life. He said there was a road nearby called Rosalie Street. I think that’s the first I’ve ever heard of that. Anyway, he left prior to my major meltdown, thankfully. Mark said the guy talked to him about me when he went back into the waiting room. He was a sweetheart. I hope he does well.

So I was pissed about waiting that long because it was more time to psych myself out of the test. When they walked me around to the surgery room, well, I flipped out even more. I told them I didn’t think I could go through with it, cried, etc. I, of course, also apologized to them for my behavior. It wasn’t my finest moment in life.

But I got on the table. And so it went. I barely remember the procedure, and I’m soooo thankful. I vaguely remember three or four times having intense pain, and one time I recall jumping. The verdict is he is going to work on my L5,S1 herniation (which he didn’t test for) and my L3,L4 which tested positive for pain.

At some point I woke up and had apple juice and graham crackers. After getting redressed and receiving my surgery time for tomorrow (9:00am), we went to get my cat scan. Photo below. That was quick. The longest part was waiting for my results to take back with me tomorrow.

Then we ate a late lunch at Charlie Browns since that’s my new favorite burger place and hit up the hotel.

We left the house before 7:00am, and the pets were wondering what was going on.

We got here an hour and a half before my appointment because Mark was freaked out that we’d get caught in traffic and be late. Ha!

I’m dying from pain because my pill wore off ages ago and it was a loooong goddamned ride. We’re sitting in the waiting room of the surgery center now.

I’m nervous. I wonder how much this discogram is going to hurt. I miss my babies.

I’m getting nervous!

Some days I get so irritated by this pain that I get cranky, angry, and frustrated – and so on. It’s still crazy to think that this could be the last week of it.

Tomorrow we go to my pain management doctor, we have to tidy up the house for my mom who is petsitting, and then we have to pack. My surgical patient information packet still needs to be filled out, and it’s like fifteen freakin’ pages. Ack. I’ve filled out so many of those over the years which I guess is why I put this one off for so long.

I’m trying to watch Bachelor Pad as a distraction, but it’s not really working.

I got a call from Atlantic Spinal Care today. They have a tendency to call really early in the mornings! The second call with my doctor was at like 7:30 or 8:00am, and I almost had a heart attack when the phone rang. Today my patient coordinator called at 9:00am. Holy smokes!

Turns out he wanted our $2,000 payment that is our financial responsibility for this surgery. I texted Mark, and he called them back and took care of it. I hope this ends up being a good investment in our future – because most of the other appointments and procedures didn’t do jack shit and seem like a waste of money. You’ve gotta try things to make progress, but no progress in three years can be brutal.

While on the phone, Mark asked about the times for my discogram and surgery, and he was given some preliminary ones. It looks like my discogram will be at 11:30am on Wednesday and my surgery will be at 10:00am on Thursday.

It’s getting close, and I’m starting to get nervous. I’m in terrible pain today (the worst it has been all week), and I can’t even imagine being without it because it’s been so long with it.