I knew it was going to be a disaster today as soon as I woke up. Sometimes I just don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I’ve been wanting to go out and do something fun, and last night we had it narrowed down to two places to go to today. Then this morning I opened my eyes and was in the foulest mood ever, and none of those places (nor any other place) felt like somewhere I wanted to be.

Mark made us pancakes, and I was crying when I headed downstairs to eat, upset over how we’d get all the cats out if there were a fire. I don’t even know where that came from. Then I tried to suck it up and be a goddamned adult, but I guess maturity and I were meant to be at odds today.

I showered, and the only thing I had to wear was something fit for cooler weather. I’m serious. I have tons of t-shirts I wear as pajama tops, and they are all wrinkled with holes from the cats. Okay, not all of them have holes, but none of the decent ones would match my yellow & blue sneakers. So I had a meltdown of epic proportions. I have “nice” clothes, sure, but I have to wear sneakers because of my back, and the “nice” clothes go with snazzier shoes. And my toes need done, so I couldn’t wear flip-flops. Ugh. I don’t even know what I possibly could have worn the last time we went someplace other than physical therapy.

Then Mark & I went for a walk and I was still grumpy and cranky – and my back was hurting so I was frustrated by that too – and he asked if I wanted to hold hands. I ruined our whole day and couldn’t get past my own insanity, and he was being sweet. Sure, he got semi-upset with me earlier for being a nutcase, but he got past it and was amazing.

So I came back up here, sulked, laid on the heating pad, and watched Toddlers & Tiaras and Gilmore Girls. And then we went shopping online at Old Navy (I got like six shirts) and Kohls (I got a pair of Skecher mule sneakers that will match more of my stuff).

Now I’m feeling a bit better. My back has settled down some, and we’re getting ready to watch Bad Girls Club and The Big C.

Today has been a so-so day. I started out with a ton of pain, but I actually felt a bit better as the day progressed. Yay!

Mark got home early, and then I put him right to work (photo below) on putting up a new mobile theme for my website. It took A LOT longer than expected. And then I stepped in, and Pacey helped me as I fiddled with the settings (photo below as well).

If you’re viewing this from your mobile phone, let me know what you think! If there are any problems/issues, please let me know asap! Muchas gracias!

Now it’s time to watch the Jersey Shore After Show and keep on resting.

I’m writing this post while on ambien and muscle relaxers, so there’s a good chance I won’t even remember posting it in the morning.

I woke up today feeling more than miserable. One of these days when I wake up the back pain has to be gone, right? There’s like nothing left back there after the surgery. Sometimes I wonder if this is somehow semi-psychological, even though that was already ruled out.

So I woke up in pain – again – which led to frustration which led to tears. When I showered, I sobbed two more times. Ugh. I want a break. I want my life back. I want five years to go by and for me to not even be able to remember what all this felt like.

I spent most of the day watching tv (shocking), laying with ice, and perusing Twitter. Then Mark came home and took me to therapy. My physical therapist said he talked to the other doctor at Atlantic Spinal Care and got a more detailed idea of what to do with me from him.

I started with heat which felt great. See, I was told to avoid that and stick to ice for the first two weeks. Next was an ultrasound which was fine. But when it came time for me to roll over, I couldn’t do it for a couple of minutes because I hurt so much. Ugh. Then I did light stretches which I didn’t think I was supposed to start doing just yet, but whatever. He wanted me to use the treadmill and ice, but I said I could do that stuff at home, which I did. I felt miserable leaving there which basically matched how I felt all day. Oh, and he said I could start using my TENS Unit again, just not on the swollen area.

So we came home, and Mark rubbed me (that felt more than amazing) during Big Brother. Then we watched Jersey Shore and here I am.

I can only hope that I get some sort of break tomorrow and that the pain starts letting up. I can say that the hip and leg pain I had are now gone, but they were never things I had to deal with every day for the past three years anyway – they popped up post-surgery. The remaining back pain can suck it.

Ugh. I was feeling so crappy earlier today that I thought it would be best to cancel my physical therapy appointment. There’s a part of me that thinks I still hurt way too much from the back surgery to even have started this therapy so soon. I don’t know.

I did walk a 1/2 mile today in the afternoon when I felt like my body was calming down, which is amazing since I’ve been in too much pain to go that far in three years. But now I’m back on the bed with ice on me, and I’m hurting & waiting for the muscle relaxers to kick in.

Today went by so slowly that it was almost unreal. I cleared off the dvr (Flipping Out, Ghost Hunters, last night’s Teen Mom that I didn’t get to) which always makes me happy and gives me a sense of accomplishment (shut up).

Mark has a loooong weekend coming up, and I hope I’m physically able to get the hell out of this bed and go do something fun with him. Let’s place bets.

Yesterday Spenser had an upset tummy, but today he seems better. He threw up, went outside to eat grass multiple times, and passed up his favorites (cream cheese & peanut butter) in the evening. Mark boiled him some chicken, and he gobbled that down. Today he wanted some of my cereal and lunch – and he definitely has more energy. Whew. But today Kip won’t stop sneezing. Sigh. Oh and last night Spenser was cuddling with me like crazy; I love how he wants to be with me when he’s under the weather (and I hope that somehow I actually do make him feel better).

Also, yesterday I had my first physical therapy appointment since the surgery. I’ve been to this place before (years ago) for my back too – they were the ones who gave me my home exercise program.

Earlier in the day I did the most sitting I’ve done in a long time – about an hour – and then I walked 1/4 mile. And then BAM. I couldn’t even get up and down without pain. Prior to surgery, whenever I overdid something, I felt stiffness. I’d much rather go back to that than the pain.

Anyway, that made getting up & down and turning on the therapy table very difficult – almost impossible. I cried. Ugh. And since apparently my prescription was so vague, my therapist didn’t even know what to do with me (he is going to call the doctor before my next appointment). I mean, I told him what the doctor told me I should be doing, but he obviously needs it straight from him. So there was some testing of my strength and such. At one point he wanted me to bend, but I vetoed that shit. I chalk this up to a wasted appointment. He said my incision was still very swollen and that I should keep using ice – and he put ice on me too. And that was it.

We went to Friendly’s for dinner because I love food five year-olds eat, but I wish it weren’t so populated by kids all the time. I know, I know. But at least have the parental decency to take your screaming babies outside until they calm down. Not only that, but there was an old woman there who was talking at the top of her lungs, despite her companions repeatedly shushing her. I think this may have been the first time I’ve left the house since the surgery – and it was a disaster!

And today I still feel terrible, and all I’ve been doing is laying down and using ice. It’s painful to lay here and painful to get up. Also, though I know they mean well, I’m over people constantly asking me how I’m feeling and doing. STOP IT. It makes me feel worse because I can’t say “great” or “better” right now. I mean, I thought I was doing good yesterday and I guess I overdid it. I’m afraid to even try to walk today. Ugh. I even almost emailed my last job to see if there was any way I could get some of my old responsibilities back, and now I’m glad I held off. I wish I had better news, especially for Mark, who looks at me so eagerly that I just want to die.

I’m going to rest my eyes and catch up on Y&R and the RHoNJ reunion. Tonight is Teen Mom!

Things to do today (in this order):

1 – go back to sleep
2 – avoid the scale
3 – shower
4 – eat breakfast
5 – return emails
6 – eat lunch
7 – dread physical therapy
8 – call Mark and convince him to take me to dinner after therapy as a reward because I’m obviously 6 years-old
9 – walk on treadmill
10 – lay on ice and watch SoapNet
11 – go to therapy
12 – go to dinner
13 – watch Bachelor Pad and all those silly multiple shows on TLC
14 – drown in muscle relaxers and ambien

OMG YOU’RE JEALOUS, RIGHT?

A sugar pick-me-up was most definitely what I needed today. Actually, I say that every single day, as my fatass can attest to. But doesn’t that look good? Thank you, Starbucks!

I just bought an app for my disqus comments that doesn’t seem to work, so I emailed the people who made it. Hopefully I just didn’t blow $2.99 on nothing.

Yesterday Spenser came back from PetSmart un-groomed. Apparently they put a new policy in place where they consider anal gland drainage to be a medical procedure (hope you aren’t eating when you read that). Ugh. Now we’ll have to take him to the vet for that. Well, we go there every so often to get special food for Kip anyway, so I guess we can do both at the same time from now on. And Mark can trim his toenails on his own, so whatevs.

Last night I dreamed big for today. I wanted to go back to Smithville Village, but when I woke up I had too much pain to do it. I’m hurting a lot in my back, hip, and upper legs. Mark said he thought going there would be too “aggressive” anyway. Thankfully pills & ice have been working pretty consistently all week, and today is of no exception. Whew. But I’m sad because I wanted to go out (which is a rarity for this homebody) and can’t. I feel stuck. I cried this morning because I woke up feeling so terrible physically and emotionally – I have a raging case of pms too. Happy Saturday!

Mark paid the bills and is now off on a bike ride. I’m jealous of his mobility. I’m so tired and grumpy though, so I’ll just shut up and watch more tv. Eh. Another day = more pills, ice, and rest.

Today has been semi-busy for me, I guess.

I ordered two Women’s Health 2011 calendars – one for me and one for my mom. I told her about it, and then she asked me how much she owed me for it. First off, it was free. Second, umm, why would anyone expect payment for something they picked up randomly for someone else? It’s like if I – for no reason – bought her three shirts from L.L. Bean and then asked her to cut me a check for $88.

I made my first physical therapy appointment for Monday evening, so Mark can take me over there after work. I’m curious as to what all this stuff will feel like.

We took a walk around the neighborhood, and he estimated it to be a little over 1/4 mile. He kept saying that I seem to be walking better (that my steps were faster and larger) – and then I suddenly had to stop because I was struck with pain. Jinx. For a second there, we both thought he was going to have to go get his Xterra and drive me back to the house. But I made it the rest of the way back.

Mark went to see the doctor today because of his throat, and he was given an antibiotic. While over in our old stomping grounds, I asked him to stop at Bain’s Deli to get me some lunch. Turns out they were closed for a week for vacation. Later I asked him for a cinnamon-sugar soft pretzel from the Philly Soft Pretzel Factory, and it was so hard that I almost chipped a fucking tooth. Ugh. I’m having zero luck with the yummy foods today. Mark’s going to go to PetSmart to pick up cat food, and he’s going to take Spenser with him to get groomed. On his way home, he’s supposed to bring back dinner, but I have no idea what to ask for now. I’m half-afraid.

Speaking of being afraid, we had a caterpillar in the house (um, ew, WTF, how did it get in here), and tough guy Sam was scared of it. Sigh.

I applied to be on yet another home remodeling/decorating show. I really wish we would hear back from one of them! It would seem the odds are stacked against us, like winning one of those Dream Homes, even though we were in talks to be on Moving Up three years ago – before the woman who owned this house before us refused to tape. Bitch.

Today, too, the cleaner came. She commented that she thought there was something different about me, that I seemed to be in a better mood and moving around more. She only comes over every two weeks, so she hasn’t seen me since the surgery. It was interesting to hear her say that she’s used to seeing me struggle with the stairs and now I seem to be going to the first floor without wincing as much. Her semi-outsider’s pov gave me some hope.

Lastly, here is a text exchange between me and my brother:

Maybe it’s the pms, I don’t know. But yesterday was made of fail.

I totally felt pain across my entire lower back, just like before surgery. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to sleep as long as I could as an escape. Later on, I tried the treadmill, but it was too hard for me, so I ended up doing the “walk around the house” thing three separate times.

Plus, Mark’s throat has been bothering him for days now. I’m not sure if he’s going to the doctor today or not. It hasn’t developed into a cold, but it hurts him to swallow and apparently the outside of his throat hurts when he touches it. Ack. I hope it’s nothing serious because I selfishly want him all better and focused on helping me. Is that wrong to say?

Anyway, I called the surgeon yesterday because I was beside myself and it had been almost a week since the surgery. I was crying, emotional, and frustrated. He called me back and said I should keep resting, that he did a lot of stuff in my back, and that the pain is normal for a few weeks. But what about all the people who could mall walk and got their mobile lives back almost instantaneously? I hate them. Ugh. Lucky bitches. And next week I am to start physical therapy – which should consist of more icing, massage, and TENS unit usage, etc. After that, physical therapy for me will mean light stretching. And I can get another home exercise plan when I’m ready. I definitely want to go for a few visits before I get the HEP and re-learn all the positions and such since it’s been so long since I’ve been able to do any of that. Mark and I both calmed down some after talking to Dr. Liu.

It didn’t help that the synagogue where I used to work called and emailed to see how I was doing. It made me feel like a failure because I couldn’t say that what I thought were improvements last Friday had lasted. I may be able to walk more which is entirely a positive and hopeful in its own right, but I wanted so much more for myself faster. I want to not need these pain pills – eventually I could prolly lower my Cymbalta too. I want to not need this bed as a crutch. And so on. Also, I hope that they will hire me back in some capacity too, namely from home because we are down to one vehicle.

But pills, ice, tv (Bad Girls Club, Big Brother, Animal Hoarding) and ice cream ended the night on a good note, thankfully.

I hope I can nap some more now and then spend lots of time walking around the house today (it’s way too hot outside to go out there for that shit).

Edited to add: the doctor did say that the pain may not ever go entirely away, but that it should definitely get more tolerable. I still consider that good news, to an extent. I knew that going in. He said there was an 80% chance he could help me. That’s a high percentage, so I’m TRYING to be hopeful this will turn around. One day at a time…

1) My brother was supposed to come over today with soft pretzels, but so far he is a no-show.

2) Ever since the surgery, I have been unable to sleep past 8:00am. WTF. If I didn’t have any pain, that would be one thing. But I do. Yesterday I took an ambien to sleep longer, but today I was like FUCK IT. Ice and pain pills have somewhat helped me get through these extra awake hours. I hoped to be beyond this point by now, but no such luck. I walked around for thirty minutes inside which IS an improvement and the pain in my legs is mostly over, but it’s the pain in my back and now hip that I want gone pronto.

3) Since it is not, Mark has been less than charming. When he’s a cranky ass, that makes me tense up and hurt more, obviously. He apologized not long ago for being so cranky and I know he has his own issues and drama with my pain, but I could use some more compassion since I just had freaking surgery. A few more hugs and less bitching about the cat who barfed on the hardwoods, please.

4) I left a voicemail with my disability lawyer today to give them the contact info for the laser place. I wish I could say my pain is now gone too, but I can’t do that.