Goddamn. At my pain management appointment this week, a glitch occurred. It’s something I’m rather nervous about. I get drug tested at every other visit, and I gave a urine sample when I was there. My insurance will only cover one test per year, and I get tested a lot more often than that. The office accommodates this by doing in-house testing the rest of the time. This was one of those times. The test, though, showed that I had morphine in my system. They checked it twice at my request. This means it’ll now get sent away anyway for the official testing. But morphine? I mean, I’ve been on morphine before, and it didn’t work. Years ago I had metabolic testing done for opiate breakdowns. Basically they got info from my body about what drugs should work for me and in what amounts. Morphine didn’t make the cut. I’ve been on tons of shit, but only oxycodone helps me. Weirdly enough, OxyContin doesn’t do anything for me. But, anyway, I’m really worried that I might not get my medication at my next visit because of this. They’re not going to prescribe stuff to someone who it seems is taking something they shouldn’t. My doctor asked me if I had cold medicine recently or if I had eaten five poppy seed bagels. I couldn’t think of anything that could have checked that box. On the way home, Mark remembered one thing that was different since my last visit: my local pharmacy used a different manufacturer for my oxycodone. They’ve always been tiny blue pills to me, but this time I got larger white pills. I even looked them up online to make sure they were still oxycodone. But, I mean, nobody is going to mix those two together in a pill, right? No. So what if the official test inexplicably comes back and says the same as the unofficial? I will be royally fucked.

Mark has been very chipper lately. He is quite close to paying off all the bills and credit card debt, so it’ll just be mortgage and regular bills going forward in the very, very near future. This definitely contributes to his newfound happiness, as well as the fact that it’s now spring and he’s playing baseball, umpiring, and riding his bike once again! While I dislike warmer weather in general, I like that he’s doing his thing. It’s good for him. And this time of year always makes things easier on me, as he’s always doing stuff now and no longer looking for me to be his entertainment committee. Speaking of Mark, he had those two tests done for the weird emphysema diagnosis that appeared on some scans. Now we just wait for those results. Hopefully his tests come back in the same manner in which my test does too – negative!

As you can see from the videos in previous posts, I’m making good progress with our deer visitors. They have been coming every evening at dusk, except for last night when they came a little earlier. Every night I’ve been going out with them – and getting closer to them each time. I started out right outside the front door, and now I’m almost off the long-ish porch and on the grass with them. As for kitty visitors, we still have Nabi and Sam’s Twin as the regulars. Moo Kitty has been around a lot lately. Casper/Sugar has stopped showing up; it’s been over a month since he’s been here, and all I can do is hope he’s okay. And a new one has shown up at night for the past two weeks now. He is all black and has white paws, a white chest, and white whiskers. He’s very fluffy and large, and this is why we are calling this kitty a boy. While I think it’s a girl, Mark thinks all big cats are always male. While that’s usually true, there are hefty girl cats out there! But I am just going with it. In fact, I even let him name this one. He chose Mr. Claus because the cat’s beard reminds him of Santa, and it’s now been shortened to MC.

Another thing. I know I’ve mentioned before that I sometimes feel a weirdness in my arms, like a heavy, tingly tension. That’s the fucking anxiety! I can’t believe that – for years and years and years – I didn’t understand what was happening.

I have made progress each night this week, and this time I’m actually that close to them the whole time – NO zooming! Yay!

feline stalker

March 21, 2019 | View Comments

Sam watched me as I went up and down the hallway:

Sam watches me as I go up and down the hallway, photo 1

Sam watches me as I go up and down the hallway, photo 2

Sam started walking a bit stiffly. He hissed twice and actually growled at me, which is something I don’t think he’s ever even done! So his back pain had flared up. I was so worried about him that it felt like I couldn’t breathe. He’s back to wearing the Assisi Loop three times a day and is back on prednisolone for a short time. He’s already moving around better and looks better too. I’m glad this was able to help him. Will he still be feeling as great once the pred gets out of his system? If not, what then? It could trigger his past diabetes if he ended up needing it for a chunk of time.

Lulu isn’t eating as much as I’d like. I’m beyond glad that there’s an upcoming cardiologist appointment for both her and Oliver. I hope she ends up just maybe needing a slight medication tweak.

Oliver’s lip isn’t swollen any longer, and his eyes are a lot less leaky. Could it be because of the introduction to Thuja? I don’t know. We will keep following its schedule, and hopefully things will stay status quo. I thought the vet told us not to touch it because we’d get sick ourselves if we did. Turns out, we’d compromise the integrity of the medication because these homeopathic things aren’t to be physically handled. I guess I’m a giant dummy.

The Flickr uploader that I use for my photos sucks and has sucked for a couple of years now. If I make a new photo album and try to upload to it, not all the photos get sent up. For instance, the last one had 33 pictures, and only 26 went up. So I had to sort through to figure out what went up and what didn’t. It also creates an entire other album called “auto upload” with all the photos in it, though some are private and some are public. And, no, I can’t seem to figure out how to just rename that album either because that would certainly make things a hell of a lot easier.

So I got to thinking about what I would do now if I didn’t have chronic back pain. I used to want to be a foster-only parent for ages 0-3 (no interest in adoption). Now I’d love to be a wildlife rehabber. I follow some rehabbers on Facebook, and it looks so tough, rewarding, and fantastic.

Remember that primary care doctor’s office that insisted I didn’t have an appointment when I knew I did? They were basically saying that they couldn’t cancel something that just didn’t exist. Well, they just sent me a bill for the missed appointment. Of course, right? I’ve tried calling the number on the bill four times on Monday and two times on Tuesday, and I’ve left two messages.

We have a new set of deer visitors that are regularly stopping by. I haven’t seen mama and her two in awhile, and I hope they’re okay. That being said, these five are very cute! We spread out stuff they can eat on that massive tree stump, and it’s just like a little table for them!

Here are three pictures and a video from last night that were taken through the window:

cute deer invasion, photo 3
cute deer invasion, photo 1
cute deer invasion, photo 2

Mark made some comment about how I’ll never get close to them. I, of course, took this as a goddamned dare. Thus, this was me outside on the porch tonight, trying to get them used to me. I’m a successful raccoon whisperer, so maybe I can be a deer whisperer too? Also, forgive my voice. That’s what I sound like when I talk to my cats – and apparently all other animals as well.

my pots of gold

March 17, 2019 | View Comments

A sweet little leprechaun actually spent some of his gold on catnip toys for my babies! How lucky are they this St. Patrick’s Day?

St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019
St. Patrick’s Day 2019

For more pictures, click here!

tough as nails

March 11, 2019 | View Comments

I actually left the house yesterday, and it was to go somewhere other than to see my pain management doctor! I know, I know. Alert the media. We were going to go out Saturday, but that didn’t end up working out for me after all. I never want to go anywhere when I first wake up. Between my pain and anxiety, doing anything just doesn’t seem like anything I want to do. But now I’m giving myself some time to wake up and unwind, take a pain pill, lay on the heating pad, and use some medical marijuana first – and then I feel more positive about the whole going out thing. But Saturday my pain pills weren’t sufficient, so things never improved. Sunday, though, I woke up, felt a bit better, and decided to do some of the things we talked about doing the day before.

First, we went to this nail salon that I found online that was open on a Sunday. OMG. That was the tiniest space for one that I have ever seen. It was like the size of a hallway – loooooong and narrow. They were packed, so we almost came back home because I was super annoyed. But he said we should go get our phones, and I decided to just keep going. Then, we passed another salon that was open, and it was gorgeous inside.

Look at their pedicure basins!

pretty pedicure basins

I snapped this photo of my new nails while we were at the phone store.

new nails

I’ve been feeling pretty good about the state of my fingers lately. I haven’t been able to get a manicure in well over a year, due to my Excoriation Disorder, also known as skin picking disorder and dermatillomania. I have been tearing apart my fingers since my teens. I’ve written about it twice here before. It’s not something I regularly advertise because it’s rather embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about. But I’ve been bookmarking pictures of nails for the future, like holiday-specific nails. I’ve wanted to do Xmas (best holiday ever!) nails for the past two years and have never been successful enough to do it. I’m hoping with my new tools that I actually can make it this time, or at least go longer than three months, which is the longest I’ve ever gone without a relapse. Wish me luck.

Then, we finally got the newest iPhones. I am late to the game, I know. I mean, it’s nice to have the latest and greatest, but it’s super annoying to have to relearn how to use a phone. Also, my passwords didn’t transfer over like they did the last time we upgraded, so that’s a pain in the ass, too.

Grabbing an early dinner was the last thing we did. I wasn’t dressed nicely and I didn’t have on makeup, so I felt like a bum. But, really, this whole outing was worth it because it made Mark happy. He initially was annoyed that I was changing his plans for the day, but he shrugged that off pretty quickly. I really should do this type of thing more often for him because he just wants us doing things out in the world together. Even though I prefer to not be in the world, I’m hoping I can be better about this, especially now that I’m paying more attention to why things affect me the way that they do. As I said above, I need to really ease into my days. Goddamn, I sound entitled. I know I’m lucky I have the time to think things through like this.

Anyway, now I still have to get a haircut. I’ve been trying to get this done for months now. Yes, i have been that ridiculous. I only want to get one when we can go out after because I’m not wasting that blowout on my pillows. So, yes, I do it for a man, even though he doesn’t give a single shit what I look like (within reason). What the fuck do I care about my own hair at this point? All he sees, though, is hair in a bun, no makeup, and nightgowns. Sure, I would prefer to remain like that. Hell, it’s easier on my chronic pain to do less, so taking that extra time to wear nice clothes and put makeup on is totally not for me at all. It’s just because I want to look nice for him.

best devacurl products

March 10, 2019 | Comments Off

Ever since I decided to embrace my curls, I had to stop blowing them dry and flat ironing them to death. To that end, I’ve used a few products from the devacurl line over the years, and they are just the best products for curly hair ever. And I’ve settled on two that I now simply cannot live without!

1. NO-COMB DETANGLING SPRAY – This is life changing. See, I am in desperate need of a haircut. I have been pulling my hair up as usual, and I get tons of knots at this longer length now when it’s up. This stuff is just fantastic. I spray it in, and all those pesky knots loosen right up.

2. WAVE MAKER – I’ve settled on this product, out of all of them, for my curls. Even though my deva stylist has said this is the wrong one to use for my curls, I loooove what it does for them. They have different products for different curl types, but I feel mine respond best to this one.

This is not an ad, nor is it a product review. These links, for right now, aren’t even affiliate links. I’m just sharing them because I’m a good fucking Samaritan. You’re welcome.

i choose me

March 8, 2019 | Comments Off

Finding time to spend together in the evenings is proving to be difficult for us. On Sunday nights, Mark wants to be by himself to unwind and prepare for the work week ahead. Sunday and Monday are my slow tv nights, so that sort of sucks. He approaches me Tuesday thru Friday evenings, but they are my busy tv nights. We used to have a lot of shows in common that we watched together, but I guess our tastes have shifted over the years. We still have a few shows that overlap; he takes forever to watch stuff, though, so I tend to get to things before he does. We do regularly spend Saturday nights together, so that’s usually a movie night.

I’m on the fourth day of dealing with crazy foot pain. The first two days were horrible. If I stood in one place, my feet didn’t hurt. When I walked, though, it was almost totally unbearable. Day three saw my feet hurting less the more I walked on them, so I considered that progress. And today I am only experiencing a tiny amount of pain on one foot. I hope it doesn’t come back because we have so many upcoming doctor-type things for us and the cats that there’s no room for more madness like this.

Speaking of doctor stuff, I had an appointment with a new primary care doctor, but I had to reschedule due to Mark. He has a much better memory than I do (hello drugs!), and he can answer dates of this or that better than I can. Thus, he’s good to have around at these things. I haven’t been to a regular doctor in a few years, and I decided to just go to the same local one that Mark has been going to. Anyway, I went online to see that while I could not cancel the first appointment, I could make a new one. So I did that and then left a voicemail with their office so I could cancel the old one and verify the new one. A receptionist called me back and simply wouldn’t accept the fact that I had a prior appointment. She wasn’t seeing that in her system. She saw the new one, but said a bunch of things that intimated that she didn’t believe I even had one to cancel. For instance, she said she would put the medical history forms in the mail to me. I said I already had them. She skated right over that when she asked me, “So you printed them out?” My head was exploding because she was basically insisting that I got them off of their website. I gave up trying to tell her – yet again – that the forms had been sent to me. I mean, wtf. And then the pièce de résistance occurred. While she insisted I had no other appointment to cancel, I still got an automated confirmation call for said appointment the very next day. Ugh.

The bulk of my time lately has been spent updating the “pet list” that goes to the person getting our cats if something were to happen to us. And reading and rereading it. And reading and rereading it. And reading and rereading it. It contains favorite toys, past medical history, medications, likes, nicknames, food preferences, and so on – and it has to be perfect, obviously. I am waiting until our next vet visit to finalize it, even though it doesn’t stay finalized for long, that’s for sure. Things are constantly changing with them. But it’s okay for now, and a copy will be sent to the lawyer and pet sitter, as well as printed out and put in a binder. It’s in a safe place here that all required parties know the location of. Lulu and Oliver have a cardiologist appointment coming up in a few weeks, and I really hope I don’t need to update the list again. This is more for their sake than mine, of course. I want their health to stay the same (or improve!). So yeah.

As for Oliver, his bottom lip is swollen again. He is taking immune support tablets which I thought were helping. There were no flare-ups after we started that medication – until now. Sigh. There’s one more medication to try before we talk to a naturopath, and it’s called thuja. The vet has to show us how to administer it from the bottle. See, she said we weren’t to touch the tablets, and Mark and I just cannot see how to get one out without us actually physically handling it. There’s supposedly something in the cap that prevents that problem from occurring, and we are just too dumb to figure it out. Anyway, I hope this fixes this issue for him. Fingers crossed. As for the pets, I think it’s adorable when Mark says to the babies, “Look at you!” whenever they do something cute or just look exceptionally cute. He said it again the other day, and I thought it was just the sweetest!

So I saw a recent movie was out with Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder, and I guess I got a little nostalgic for my youth because I thought it’d be fun to watch these guys who were in a bunch of shit I saw years and years ago. By the way, the movie was horrible and filled with nonstop navel-gazing. I don’t know. I guess I wanted to take a quick trip back in time maybe. I can’t really explain it well, and Mark didn’t understand the whole thing. And, sort of speaking of, I’m so bummed out about Luke Perry’s death. I remember going to an ex-friend’s house every week to watch Beverly Hills 90210. I messaged her about it, and she said we had pizza weekly too when we would get together for the show. Ha. Mark and I pulled up an old episode of svu from when he was on to watch in his honor.

marital conversations, part 640839217

March 5, 2019 | Comments Off

We were just watching a Luke Perry episode of SVU. One of the scenes involved people participating in medical trials for money. I jokingly suggested that to Mark, but then he pointed out that I was better suited for this type of thing.

Mark: You’re good at taking drugs.
Me: I am, aren’t I?

See? He does flatter me from time to time. And who doesn’t love a compliment?


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